learning

Learning:

We have all learned that being diagnosed with Cancer is life changing.  I have learned many things throughout this journey.

I have learned that I need to ask for help.

I have learned that you always need your mom to help you heal when you are sick.

I have learned that I can handle Chemo.

I have learned that I can handle a bilateral mastectomy.

I have learned that I know a lot of talented cooks (thanks for the yummy meals.)

I have learned that it truly takes a community to raise kids.

I have learned that it hurts like hell to use my arms but I need to use my arms to do almost anything.

I have learned that my children can do laundry.  I do not have the arm strength to open the dryer.  However, my children can and get excited when asked to help out.  They also enjoy using the stool to reach the clothes out of the washing machine.  This has brought laundry to a whole new level.

I have learned that two drains is better than four. I learned that the drains go pretty far inside (had to sneak a peek when they pulled it out).  And of course, having no drains is the best of all.

I have learned how to dress myself without inflicting pain on myself.  I can dress myself now and that is a huge accomplishment.  Don’t get me wrong, I am no speed demon when it comes to putting on clothes.

I have learned that the weeks leading up to surgery lasted forever.  The weeks after surgery have flown by. At first, I got out of bed and tried to work through the pain.  Those first few days were all a blur (probably due to the pain medicine I was on).  Then as the weeks went by I tried to do more and more things for myself.  For example, I washed my dishes or tried to reach for the phone.

I have learned that you can still learn things from your high school teacher even though you graduated many moons ago.

I have learned that “framily” means:

n. Friends or blood relatives to whom we would actually choose to be related, because the relationship is mutually respectful, close, supporting and affectionate. The favorite people in our lives we would include in our family, whether they are blood-related or not, typically because we love them.

I have learned that I have a heck of a lot of “framily.”

I have learned what a true friendship is.  In times of crisis, sometimes people shy away.  They don’t know what to say or do.  Then there is the other group of people that rise up and shine.  They may not have been the ones that you were not really close with.  However, they make all the difference in your recovery.  The text, phone call, or card brightens your spirit and gives you the motivation to get moving and heal.

I have learned that your best friends are called that for a reason.

I have learned that the best present ever was a pre-surgery present from my friend’s mom.  She sent me these bags with pillows for my arms.  The bags hang on my shoulders but keep my arms from touching my sides.  This was the best thing ever.  I could not have my arms touching due to the sharp shooting pain.  My left arm is particularly bad from the lymph node removal.  Thank you so much Mrs. Ferraris for my present.  It really got me through those first few days.  Thank you Mr. Ferraris for picking out the fabric.

I have learned that Ardith Collins is absolutely awesome!  I sort of knew this already but she has sealed the deal by skyping with me so I could watch the holiday concert at my school.  I loved listening to all the students sing and play.  I truly felt a part of things.  We all know how important this is to me since I have not been able to go back to work. 

http://doublebreastedmusic.com/

Check out her band and listen to her sing and play. 

I have learned that I miss hanging out with my little brother.  I truly enjoyed our time together.  He was absolutely wonderful.   He helped take care of my children.  He cooked for me.  He took me to my doctor appointments.  He went shopping for me.  Most importantly he entertained Shua and kept him happy when I didn’t have the strength to handle him.

I have learned that my brother knows a lot of information.  I have learned that he can make me forget about the pain by telling me something that he knows or has recently learned. 

I have learned a lot of new words (from my brother). I can remember some of their meanings.

I have learned that “bad boy” and “get down” are half of Shua’s vocabulary.

I have learned that I can still fill in a U.S. map starting from the farthest west point and work my way east ending in Maine in a certain about of time.

As a teacher I know that there is always something new to learn.  I love to teach others but it is just as important to learn from others.

Aaron

Aaron:

I have been telling Aaron that he would get his own entry on my blog.

Background: when I was in college I had to have surgery. It was over winter break. The turn of the century. All my friends were partying it up and I was laying on my stomach healing. My younger brother Aaron was laying on the floor reading teen magazine to me. ( he claims he doesn't remember this at all). While everyone was having fun, we bonded and he kept me company. That moment has stayed with me. I was not allowed to drive for a certain amount of time. I needed a fancy dress for a formal. Aaron drove me to the mall and went dress shopping with me. (he also claims he doesn't remember this). Here is how the experience went:

Me "what do you think of this one?"
Aaron "sure"
Me "do you really like it or are you just saying it so I stop trying on dresses and we can leave?"
Aaron "sure"


Today Aaron drove me to the mall. I wanted to buy a winter vest for the cold but not super cold days. I figured it would be easier to get my arms into a vest than a jacket. It was a fun experience. There were moments where Aaron made me really laugh. I enjoyed our time together. Before we left, I told Aaron a list of all things I needed to get. He has a fantastic memory. Of course in his "Aaron-ness" he re-arranged all my items into a silly sentence. (we did get everything that we set out for). The list reminded us both of "a loaf of bread, stick of butter, and a carton of milk." It made me smile to remember this phrase from Sesame Street. Aaron says he doesn't remember seeing this clip but clearly remembers our older brothers repeating it over and over.

After we got home, Aaron started making me my lunch. Pictures to follow. I sat down and played some WWF. I was tired from the excursion and knew sitting down would let me rest up. Aaron came over and looked at my boards a few times. Background (he used to play at scrabble tournaments and has memorized a lot, a lot of words). Here are some of the conversations:

Aaron "do you know what you can put in front of the word jar?"
Me "a?"
Aaron "yup" ( starts to walk away)
Me "but I don't have an 'a'?"
Aaron " I know"

Another board
Aaron "oh you can play a 'd' before the word 'Jin' it means the same thing.
Me" oh, ok, wait, I don't have a 'd'"
Aaron "I was just telling you that it is possible to do that."

several different boards:
Aaron "you can write a 7 letter word with those letters."
me "with these letters?"
Aaron "yup, those letters"
me " is it a word I know?"
Aaron "nope, never heard of it"

 Aaron getting the rice ready

Aaron cutting the broccoli.  I asked for broccoli and if you know Stephen, you know we rarely have broccoli in the house.

Clearly Aaron stopped to eat some brownie while cooking (thanks Rubin's for the delicious dessert).

Finished product:  broccoli and tofu with rice, very yummy

Help

Help:  such a short little word but it is so very important.  Sometimes we take help for granted.  These past two weeks, help has had a whole new meaning to me.

First,  Jill thank you so much for helping me get through the waiting period before surgery. I never got to say thank you.  My name was called and my phone was then turned off. I am pretty sure we were in a heated game of "I am thinking of an animal?"  Thank you for playing to help me pass the minutes and keep my nerves in check.

Adele, thank you for picking up this iPad for me. Without it, I would not be able to Skype and see people. I can't really hold the phone to my ear so it is so much easier to skype.  And the laptop is way too heavy to hold at the present moment. I wouldn't be able to play WWF or even compose this blog. Thank you for my new toy which has been very helpful.


First, I have to let you know how hard it is to sleep. After my port surgery, I could not lay on my side for a week or so. One can only lay flat on their back for so long until intense pain sets in. I am back to laying flat on my back. I find that I sleep for an hour or two and then wake up and desperately want to change position. The only problem is there is no way for me to adjust to. I did ask the plastic surgeon "if I could get onto my side would that be ok?" he said it would be fine to sleep like that, but we both know that getting on my side is near impossible at the moment. For a little taste of Rachel, try this: get into bed with little use of your arms, attempt to get comfortable. Don't move at all. When your back starts to hurt try to find a new comfortable position...hahaha you can't because you can only lay on your back. For more fun, after sleeping in bed, try and get out without the use of your arms. Let me know, how you do.  My little Ruthie has been the one to come check on me after I have gotten into bed and has pulled the covers up to keep me warm. A little role reversal. I have made great improvements in attempting to sleep on my side. In my mind I am but in reality my head is just slightly turned. 


I have already mentioned that I have needed help doing simple tasks. I have found that my arms are being a little more cooperative but there were times where I have been pretty useless. Stephen, along with my mother and brother made this past week possible. They got lunches packed, the kids off to school and took control over the chaos when it arrived around 4:30pm. Stephen was able to go to work, laundry was washed and put away. Dishes were cleaned and put away in the correct places. As for the playroom, I promised myself to stay far away from that room for a few weeks.  (I did start to put some stuff away, I just can't take the chaos for too long.)

I have had to have help to bathe/shower. That simple 10 minute task lasted more than 40minutes. After, I was done, I passed out for two hours because the task was so physically draining. Thank you mom for allowing me the feeling of being clean.

Drains....the dreaded drains. I left the hospital with four JP drains. They were cumbersome and needed to be drained and measured twice a day. Of course it took some time to accomplish this task. Again, mom thank you for helping me take care of the "oh so much fun drains." I was very fortunate to get two drains removed on my one week check up. Don't get me wrong two drains are far better than four drains, but drains in general are not a lot of fun. I was even more ecstatic to have the other two drains removed on my 11 day check up.  Drain free!!!!


My younger brother Aaron, came down from Boston on December 1st to help me. He has been there to help the girls get to school on time. He has shopped for and cooked food for the family. He has changed Shua's diaper and chased him around the house trying to keep him out of trouble. I am afraid Shua has been too much for him. He even helped drain and measure the drains. If that is not love, I am not sure what love is. Thank you Aaron for helping control the chaos and helping me move past this part of the journey. Two of my favorite Aaron quotes "uh oh...I made a boo-boo, I left the bathroom door open and Shua....."  and "Oh no, you are stinky (to Shua) and I don't know what I am doing...."  Both of these times made me smile and very appreciative of him being around to help me. There were many more times that Aaron and I have were chatting and he made me laugh. Of course, I said "oh I should write that down." It has been nice to hang out with him and spend some time with him. I am pretty sure he is not aware of how proud I am of him.  He recently received his PHD from MIT.  During the car ride he said "I am just a skate by kind of guy...." I nearly started to hyperventilate from this comment.  I had to explain to him that receiving a PHD at MIT is not a skate by kind of behavior.  Now who is the smart one?  When he was younger, he had his appendix out. We were not supposed to make him laugh because it hurt. Of course I did not listen and am having my paybacks now. He has made me smile and laugh through this experience. I know that having Aaron around has been crucial to my recovery. There have been times when he has come into my room and seen me crying and says something positive and uplifting. The truth of the matter is you can't always have your game face on, you can't always be happy and smiling because sometimes it just hurts. The reality is that sometimes the physical and emotional pain are just too much to hold it together all the time.  Thank you Aaron for coming to my home and helping me take care of my family so much. There is no way we could have done it without you.  I do hope I have not scared you from wanting to have children. I promise it is not always this chaotic.

Mother: I know I have told you already, but thank you for helping me eat, get dressed and all the other tasks that I just can't do. There is no way I could have had a bilateral mastectomy without my mother right next to me. I have given birth three times. Each time, I stayed in the hospital by myself and then came home with a new baby but no parents staying over to help out. Stephen and I managed to do the normal stuff plus all the brand new baby stuff as well. Somehow this time things were way different. For starters, I did not choose this surgery. I never imagined I would have breast cancer.  Remember it always happens to the other guy.  Remember, I am cancer free now! My mother said something the other day when I was down on myself because I could barely do anything. "the surgery was an assault on your body." I know she is right but I just wish I could make some of the pain go away and feel more of a productive part of society.   Dad, thanks for stopping by Costco and making my house look like an aisle at costco.  The kids will have tons of snacks for their lunches and Aaron will have plenty of food for his many different meals.  Put that line in there to see if Aaron will read the whole blog or just skim it....

For those that have been following the process, I have these things inside that are called tissue expanders. The goal is to stretch the skin and tissue for the real implants I will get after radiation. They feel like a Mack truck is sitting on top of my rib cage. Imagining these expanders inside for the next few months is not so cool. We did have a little incident with Elisheva and her pull-up. Let's say I pulled the "I have tissue expanders" card to get out of taking care of it.....sorry Stephen.

Stephen: I had a whole glowing paragraph about you, but then you tried to smother me when you were helping me get under the covers. Clearly you have not tried getting into bed and getting comfortable without your hands. Otherwise you would have understood the placement of the pillows and how it takes forever for me to be "comfortable."  I do feel honored that you paused the Giant's game to help me get into bed.  You know that I love you very much. I am very thankful that you stayed in the hospital with me for those two nights. I am so happy that we are moving past this stage and onto the next part.

While I don't like to ask for help, I certainly appreciated it, but am happy to be able to start doing some things for my own again and look forward to things getting back to "normal." 

News flash!!!

Pathology results came back from the tumor. The cancer was completely wiped out! The tumor was a bunch of shriveled up dead cancer cells. Originally they could see cancer in 11 of the 21 lymph nodes. They were unable to see any sight of cancer in the lymph nodes. Obviously this is fantastic news. Every drop of poison was worth it!

One Week

In the past when I wrote about time, it seemed as if some days would take forever to happen.  Weeks were like years for me.

I had surgery on December 2, 2011 at roughly 2:00pm.  Just as expected they couldn't find a line for my IV.  Using my port was out of the question due to the location of my surgery.  Of course after a few sticks here and there, I could no longer hold it together and started to cry.  Finally, the anesthesiologist came in and saved the day for me. I was so worried that the surgery just wouldn't happen.  I told the anesthesiologist, "I just want to be counting down from 100..."  He was a very nice man, calmed me down, found a line and then the plastic surgeon marked me for surgery.  Of course I don't remember many things from the OR room.  However, I do remember the anesthesiologist saying "ok, Rachel, I want you to count down from 100 by 3.5's."  Sure enough, I tried to process his request but am not sure I was able to even say one number before I was out.


I have no idea how Stephen handled the many hours of surgery.  I know that my brother Aaron was there to help keep him company.  However, I do not imagine the two of them having non-stop conversation for 6 hours.


I remember waking up in the recovery room.  I felt like I needed to cough and knew that it was going to be painful. My husband and brother were brought into see me. I am sure they said things to make me smile, but it is all a blur to me. I remember lots of ice chips.

I was given a room on a "minimally invasive surgery" floor.  I am still a little confused about this but am very thankful it was a private room.  Stephen slept right by my side (in lovely hospital chair).  The nurses and techs came in once an hour throughout the entire night. I know at some points I just ignored them, let them do what they had to do and continued sleeping.  I know that Stephen has heard me say this numerous times "I feel like a mack truck sitting on my rib cage."  I still have that feeling but it is not as intense as it was right after surgery.

I do not recall eating much on Saturday. I do remember people having to feed me because my arms would not stretch out like they should.

I came home to my house on Sunday December 5, 2011. I could have slept in the hospital another night, but who likes staying in hospitals.  Besides, we all know I had to check on my house and make sure all was ok.  Of course it was!


I can't describe how dependent I had become on others.  Simple things such as pulling up my pants after going to the bathroom.  Simple things as to cutting my food into little pieces and feeding me.  Simple things such as to covering me with a blanket or pulling the back of my shirt down because I can't reach it.  There were many moments when I was embarrassed but asked those around me to help me.  Those that know me well, know losing my independence was hard.  I am slowly getting my independence back.  Today, I fed myself, pulled up my pants after going to the bathroom and made some snack bags for the upcoming week of school.

It has been hard to blog because of my arms and the computer.  My previous "mini-blog" was done on my new toy "ipad."  There was no way I could have done a long blog on that though. I do have more thoughts and hopefully will get them typed over the next few days.

Mini-blog post

I figured I would need to send out a small post to let everyone know I am doing well. Surgery went well. It took a long while for them to get a working IV in. Once the anesthesiologist got a line in and I was marked for sugery, I entered "lala" land. Can't report back about what happened for the next so many hours. I did wake up to seeing Stephen and my brother Aaron smiling at me. They told me the good news that my liver scan came back clean. Of course I would not fully remember these moments as I came out of anesthesia. I was put into a room and was prodded and poked for the next 15hours or so. They came in once an hour for one reason or another. Of course to me, it seemed like days had gone by. Having Stephen sleep right next to me was very much needed for my recovery.

There is much more to report on but you will just have to wait until I get more strength to type. I can't wait to share my fun filled experiences with the drains.

Will be back soon with another installment.