One year anniversary

One year anniversary….

Wow, it has been a year since I have had a bi-lateral mastectomy.  It has been a year since the breast surgeon operated on me for hours removing all of my breast tissue and hopefully removing all of the cancerous cells that were shrunk to smithereens by the chemo.  It has been a year since the plastic surgeon operated on me for hours trying to make me look somewhat normal again.  I would love to say that I don’t remember that day, but unfortunately I do. I remember crying when Elisheva went into Morah Marissa’s car and off to school. She was the last one to leave the house that morning. I remember my brother Aaron getting her into the car and then coming back inside and seeing me so upset.  We talked and discussed how I was so nervous and scared for the surgery. There was so much unknown that lay ahead.  There was so many questions that I had.  There were so many “what if’s” that just couldn’t be answered. I remember getting dressed in the surgery gown in the pre-op room. I remember the IV man not being able to get a line. I remember starting to cry after his second failed attempt.  I remember thinking “oh no, this surgery is not going to happen, I am never going to get the cancer out of me.”  Finally, the anesthesiologist came in and calmed me down and was able to get an IV going.  Of course they put some calming drugs into my system to get me relaxed and ready for the surgery. I remember waking up after hours in the operating room. I remember the lack of ability to move my arms at all. I remember the nurse saying "these next few days will be the worse days of your life, however, they will make you stronger."  And she was right!

Just a few weeks ago, I was giving advice to another young woman (with small children) who was going to have the same surgery.  I was giving her answers to all her questions and trying to reassure her that everything will be ok.  At the time it is so hard to believe that everything will be ok and that you will be able to get through the days, weeks, and months that follow such a major surgery.  It is so very hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

How did I get through this past year?

#1 The obvious reason: Stephen

There is no way I could have done it without him.  This is a picture of the card that he wrote for our 9^th anniversary only 20 days after diagnosis.  It was the sweetest thing he has ever written.  It has also been a source of strength. Usually I put all of my cards away in a box.  This card I left out and viewed it often.  Whenever things got me down, I would read the lengthy message of support and encouragement.

#2 Another obvious reason: my family

My immediate family, my extended family and members of my framily have all kept me going this past year.  There was always someone there to make sure that I got to the next doctor’s appointment.  There was always someone there to make sure I got the rest I needed.  There was always someone there to make me laugh.  There was always someone there…..I was never left alone this past year, not even for a moment (yup you guessed it, showers and bathroom trips were often interrupted by little ones)

#3 A final obvious reason: friends

Friends come in all shapes and sizes.  Friends have done all sorts of tasks to help me get through this past year.  Some tasks were huge but so necessary. Some tasks were small and might have seemed insignificant but were very crucial at the time.  That’s what friends are for….for good times and bad times….

I am blessed to have so many kind, caring friends in my life.  There are too many to name.  You know who you are and you know how you have helped me get through this past year. Thank you!

#4 my grandma

Even though my grandma is no longer with us, she was a very important part of my recovery.  We would talk often and she was always encouraging me to fight the cancer and stay strong.  She wrote me letter after letter willing me the strength to fight the cancer and get well.  She sent me poems and little words of wisdom.  Just her handwriting alone gave me strength to fight so we could visit come summer time.  Even when I knew that I was saying goodbye forever, she hugged me and said “Y’all come back next summer.”  How could not I not push forward and get healthy?  She was 89 years old and was fighting pancreatic cancer to stay alive long enough to see me.

#5 Elisa

As much as I don’t wish anyone to have to go through what I went through, I am thankful that I had I Elisa this past year.  She was right by my side the entire trip.  She was the one that got all my venting emails or sarcastic texts.  She was the one that understood the bloating, the new “look”, and the constant doctor appointments.  She was the one that in spite of everything, kept me laughing and looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.  Whenever my attitude turned negative, she was there to turn it right back around.  She helped me get through the survivor funk that hits every now and again.

I will say that I have lived my life differently since I have received that dreaded phone call.  Cancer changes you….everyone says it. I honestly try to live every day to its fullest. I try not to procrastinate on calling friends or family to say hi. I try to spend as much time with the kids as I can. There were so many moments that I missed out on Shua from year one to two that I try to grab every second I can with him. 

We found him one morning with Elisheva's purple glove on his hand.  What a silly boy!

 I recently was flipping through one of the 8,000 catalogs we have received in the mail over the past few weeks and came upon this:

A to Zen of Life:

Avoid negative sources, people, places, and habits

Believe in yourself

Consider things from every angle

Don’t give up and don’t give in

Everything you’re looking for lies behind the mask you wear

Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches

Give more than you planned to

Hang on to your dreams

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it

Keep trying no matter how hard it seems

Love yourself

Make it happen

Never lie, steal, or cheat

Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values

Practice makes perfect

Quality, not quantity in anything you do

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer

Stop procrastinating

Take control of your own destiny

Understand yourself in order to better understand others

Visualize it

When you lose, don’t lose the lesson

Xcellence in all your efforts

Zero in on your target and go for it

This little A to Zen really hit home….

December 2, 2012 was NOT spent in the operating room.  It was NOT spent anticipating if surgery will be successful.  It was not spent worried about all those “what if” questions.  December 2, 2012 was spent celebrating my one year anniversary cancer free.  My parents were awesome and watched the kiddies all day long.  Cheryl was awesome and made sure Ruthie got to go to a birthday party.  Stephen and I went out to eat and then went to watch a Broadway Show.  We saw Wicked and LOVED it!  It was a great show to see. It was funny and full of life.  Today, was the first anniversary of many!  Here’s to another year filled with good health and happiness.

 Thanks for making my day so special!  I love you!

Sandy

Sandy…..

What a mess you made….

So many people you displaced….

So many homes you destroyed….

So many homes you left without power….

I originally wanted to get my blog post out for my 11 month cancer free date (November 2^nd) but things just didn’t go as planned.  I learned not too long ago, that things don’t always go as planned.

We went several days without power (6 to be exact).  There were so many others that lost power for twice as long.  There were so many more that lost everything. I felt bad complaining about no heat when others lost their entire home.  I did feel that by day six I was starting to lose it.  The kids were fine.  They enjoyed the time to play and put on puppet shows for us. They didn’t mind the many blankets to sleep under or the sleepovers in our room.  Shua loved sleeping right next to me for so many days.  I was so thankful when I saw on facebook that my part of town regained power.

 This past week I have had students without power and without a place to stay.  We discussed Sandy and the destruction that the storm caused.  We also talked about how disaster brings out the best and the worse of people.  People were so kind to offer us a place to stay.  People were willing to feed us.  After the house reached 50 we vacated the house and went to my cousins.  It is always hard to go somewhere with a toddler.  I am so thankful that my uncle called me and told me to come.  We packed up the van and left.  The kids were so excited to see my cousins and to get out of the house.  I am so thankful that my cousin gave up her soft, warm bed so that I could get some quality rest (Shua was still next to me, so that is debatable).   Thank you Baders for all that you did to help us through the storm.  I will never make fun of you again for using candles for a heat source!

 This picture just blows my mind.

This past week I have heard this song several times on the radio.  I am not sure why but it gives me hope things will get better for the parts of New Jersey and New York that were pummeled by Sandy.

So 11 months!  Next month is a big one!

Forget...

Forget…

It is so easy to forget.  Time passes and people forget. During Chemo, I forgot a lot.  I forgot the wash was in the machine.  I forgot to take my hat off before stepping into the shower.  I forgot to pack Ruthie bagels for lunch one day…..ooops…

Last October (10/24) I sat in a chair and had my last dose of chemo pumped into my body.  I knew the following days were going to be hell because it was Taxol that was being infused into my body.   

However, at the end of the week, my friends, family, and colleagues had planned a walk for me.  I was psyched. I was pumped. I knew the Taxol was going to be super painful but the walk was going to be my light at the end of the tunnel.  There were going to be tons of people there and I couldn’t let them down. I had to go and I had to walk. I had to show everyone that I was going to be ok.

Well……funny thing happened…..it snowed…..and snowed…..and snowed……and people were snowed in and people lost power.   

The walk was cancelled and I was bummed.  I had already learned that you can’t change some things and you just have to deal with them and move on.  So I moved on…..

May came and I walked with a friend and members of my town. I had just had surgery not too long ago so I was exhausted and couldn’t do the entire mile or so.  I was disappointed with myself but vowed that I will get back to that walk and run it next year.  So this May, I hope many of you will join me in my journey and run or walk with me.

A few months ago, my dear friend Adele asked me if I wanted to walk with her in NY City.   I wanted to but wasn’t sure how well I would do. Time passed by and Adele continued to send me emails and asking me to sign up with her.  Of course it was during the last week of pre-sign-ups and I signed up and got myself ready for the walk.  Totally didn’t read all of what I was signing up for.  I signed up for a five mile walk in Central Park.  What a beautiful day it turned out to be.  Not a snowflake in the sky.  There were tons and tons of people there.  Most of the people were not survivors but just ordinary people who were walking to raise money to help find a cure for cancer.  I was sort of a celebrity since I was a survivor. I went to the front of the line for the start of the walk. They usually have the survivors go to the front.  There was a father standing there with two girls who were about Ruthie and Elisheva’s age.  He said to them “girls, you know how I said we would see a survivor, she is a survivor.”  After hearing this, I turned to the girls and said, “Yes, I am a survivor and I have girls your age.  Thank you for walking.”  Then as we walked, there were people constantly saying “we have a survivor here” and then lots of cheering.  It was totally spirit lifting and motivating.  So let’s not forget where we were a year ago and let’s not forget where we are today.

I had an amazing day!  I had an amazing time living life and being so thankful to be ALIVE and to be a SURVIVOR!


I came home to a nice surprise from Stephen!

Two magical moments

Two magical moments...

Today my school had a wear pink for breast cancer day. Teachers could donate to a walk that I am participating in on Sunday in NYC in exchange for wearing denim. It was amazing to see all the pink and the support. I wore a pink shirt that said "I wear pink for myself." (thanks Dominque!)

In class one student said "I like your shirt." 

I said "thank you" and continued on with my lesson.

Another student responded with "wait, wait, wait, what do you mean you wear pink for yourself?"

He was genuinely concerned. 

I said "last year I had cancer." I won't lie I had tears in my eyes. I am not one for attention and didn't really want to think back to the chemo, surgery, and radiation. But I am a teacher and everything is a lesson. So I let the conversation take place.

The concerned student said "but your here? You are ok then? You beat it? Right?"

I looked him in the eyes and said with confidence "yes, I am ok and I beat the cancer"

Then from a girl in the back I hear, "you beat it with a baseball bat!"

In a second, my teary eyed face changed into a huge smile and I laughed. And of course, it was back to history because I run a tight ship.

Magical moment #2

After a long day and craziness with the three kids, I see Stephen in a Pink shirt. At first I didn't realize it was on purpose. I thought it was just random. Who knew pink could be so powerful?

Here is a little pink fun...

Here is a little more  pink fun

Perspective

Perspective:

Here is a little story….once upon a time (two weeks ago) I had to go to my bimonthly oncology appointment.  During these appointments I get blood drawn to make sure all my levels are ok.  Let’s just say Shua was not happy watching this event.  I didn’t want to turn him around so he couldn’t see me because then he would freak out.  Well, letting him watch was a mistake.  He went nuts.  Eventually we calmed him down with a bandaid to put on his “booboo.”  I had to take my bandaid off as soon as I got home, so he would know that I was ok.  I got my flu shot during this appointment as well.  I learned from my mistake and made sure Shua was not watching this event. I parked his stroller in front of the fish tank.  I had to get my flu shot in one of the chairs where I used to get Chemo infusions.  I parked the stroller and then sat in a chair.  Shua is a smart boy and new something was up.  He kept trying to turn around to see what I was doing. I made sure he faced forward by being rather silly and trying to distract him with the fish.  The place was pretty dead (which is good to see that there were not a lot of people being treated with chemo that day) so I felt ok being somewhat loud and ridiculous in order to keep Shua content.  There was a man in his 50’s getting chemo. His wife was with him but was on the phone for most of my fish tank craziness.  I could see the man watching me and laughing a little.  I got the flu shot and Shua had no clue!  Success!  As I started to leave the room, the nurse grabbed the back of my hair and said “wow, it is coming in so nice, I love it!” At this point I was standing right next to the man getting chemo (who was sitting in my favorite spot).  Shua started to say “hi” to him, so we stopped for a quick chat.  The woman asked me how long it took to get my hair back. I said “this time last year I was bald as a baby.”  The man then said “I am kind of liking it.”  I said “I loved being bald, showers were quick, no need to shave.  The only downside was that it was got rather cold and I always had my head covered because I was freezing.”  The woman then said something about hair not being important and bald men were “in” now.  The man said it must have been hard because it is different for women to lose their hair.  I then said “hair is overrated.”  The man said “wow, what a great attitude.”  I had to tell him that a 12 year old boy set things straight for me and helped me deal with losing my hair.  (Thanks Lenn! I still have that text where you put things in perspective for me!)  Shua started to say “bye-bye” to the man.  That was my cue to get moving before he freaks out again.  As I walk down the hallway I hear the man start talking to the nurse.  “Wow she did all this with a baby?”  The nurse said “yes, and she has more children too.”  The man then said “wow, if she could do it how can I complain.”  Sometimes seeing someone else’s life experiences helps puts things in perspective.  As I continued out of the office, I had that superwoman feeling for a moment.  It was a great feeling!

My friend who started her journey weeks before I was diagnosed is having surgery soon.  Her tissue expander surgery didn’t go as smoothly as mine.  I was super lucky to heal after radiation and to have my next surgery on time.  I recently spent some time with my fellow warrior.  She was calm and not freaking out about the next upcoming surgery. I know if it was me, I would be mad at the world, angry that I had to go through another surgery.  I would probably have said “it’s not fair” a dozen of times or so.  I am truly amazed with her grace with this bump in the road. I am amazed that she is so calm with knowing that it will be a tough next six weeks.  I am amazed with her knowing that she will be back to drains and limited arm movement and loose, easy to put on clothing.  I am amazed that she is back to having others do so much for her.  It is so hard to let others help once you have become independent again.  She just amazes me and is the real superwoman.

This one is for you… just change the "I" to "you"