Goodbye Grandma

Goodbye Grandma

For starters it has taken me a long time to get my thoughts down on paper.  I only really started to write my feelings once I read my brother’s blog about saying goodbye.  So thank you Scott for giving me that motivation to give a tribute to Grandma.

Routine:

Most people have some sort of night time routine.  For example: brush teeth, go to the bathroom and then hop into bed.  Or others might shower first and then go to the bathroom and hop in the bed (of course brushing teeth at some point).  My nighttime routine for the last so many years (post college days, during college I would call in the middle of the day) was to get all ready for bed, hop into bed and then call my grandma.  We didn’t always talk for a long time.  Sometimes I had to call her back because she needed to go to the bathroom or finish watching something on tv.  I loved when she would answer the phone “Hi Rachel” because she just knew it was me calling.  We talked about so many different things. When the soap opera “As the World Turns” was still on the air, we would always discuss the story line.  I was usually a few days behind because I couldn’t watch it every day.  In college I old schooled it and vcr taped it. More recently, I just taped the show by DVRing it.  When I visited with my grandma I could sit with her and watch “her stories” for hours.  It was always easy to get caught up on what had happened since my last viewing.  Of course we would always talk about the weather.  Calling my grandmother was the best weather report out there.  New Jersey usually got Kentucky’s weather the next day.  I would say 90% of the time it was accurate.  If it rained in Kentucky on Monday, then it rained in New Jersey on Tuesday.  I would tell her how the kids were doing or how my day was.  She would tell me if she put a piece in the puzzle in the library or all about the family of ducks that used to live in her complex.  Needless to say bedtime is the hardest time of day for me. I get all ready, hop into bed and then….cry.  I try and relax my mind, use the ipad, play a game and try and fall asleep….but it just doesn’t work.  The truth is I think about my grandmother and I miss her. I miss her a lot.  She was a wonderful person.

My grandmother was one the kindest, most caring individuals I knew.  She never judged you.  She called a spade a spade.  She was always making things for others.  I remember one summer she came to visit in New Jersey and we made cats out of yarn.  Aaron do you remember we made tons of cats!!!!  They were all over the house.  She would make little crafts for her friends.  She was always wanting and willing to teach you something.  I loved spending time with her and making things for others.  I have a love of games.  I get this love from my grandmother.   She has taught me so many different fun games to play.  I have passed on some of these games to my children.  I am so happy that they had an opportunity this past June to visit with my grandmother and play some games with her.  My grandmother was an amazing quilter.  She would say that she was not great but she has made so many beautiful quits over the years.  One summer I spent my time quilting with her.  It was great to be able to be a part of such a project.  She inspired me to make my own kids quilts (by hand).  I made Ruthie a little baby quilt.  It was cute but not practical once she got bigger.  So I was determined to make Elisheva a bigger size quit.  It was supposed to be finished before she turned three.  Well…it is still in the works and she is five. I need to sit down one of these days and finish the quilt so I can of course start another one for Shua.  I have learned so many different things from my grandmother that I will hold dear.

When I got sick I had a hard time telling my grandmother that I was sick. I am not sure why.  Maybe it was because I knew deep down that I would be ok and I didn’t want to worry her.  I know that my mom told her that I was sick.  Once my grandmother learned that I had cancer she was the best card sender of anyone I knew.  She sent me cards with little quotes or poems.  Then my grandma got sick (shortly after I was diagnosed) with pancreatic cancer.  You would think that she would stop sending cards.  Nope, not my grandma!  She continued to send cards with pick me up quotes and poems.  And I continued to call her at night before bed.  Sometimes I would call her during the day because I crashed so early when I was going through treatment.

I couldn’t fly down to visit my grandmother when she got sick.  I was very sad that I was unable to travel and see her.  They said that she did not have a long time to live.  She surprised us all.  Some people might think I am crazy but I know that she waited for me.  I didn’t want to tell her I was coming until it was close enough that we could count down the days.  During the middle of May, I told her I would be on my way as soon as school let out.  So on top of the end of the year stuff, papers to grade, grades to enter, room to clean, I was packing bags for Kentucky.  I had lists on top of lists. I had to make sure I had everything for the kids and myself.  (including ways to entertain Shua during a 14hr car ride.)  I sent my grandma cards with the countdown on it and called her and reminded her how many days until we got there. 

I am so thankful that I was able to see my grandmother one last time. I am so thankful that we got to play games together and that I even was able to learn a new game “toss up”.  I am thankful that I was able to watch her interact with my children.  I am thankful I was able to help her get something to eat and change her sheets for her. I am thankful that I was able to watch her ride around in Grace and have a great day when I knew she was in so much pain. I am thankful that I was able to celebrate her birthday (early) and watch her let butterflies go.   The hardest part of course was saying goodbye. But my grandma was one tough cookie. She hugged me and she hugged Stephen and she said “well you all come back next summer.”

I know that it will take time for me to be able to think of my grandmother and not start tearing up.  As I am writing this entry, my daughter Ruthie walked into the room and said “hey what is with all the tears?”  I know that it is for the best that my grandmother has moved on.  I know that I will miss her and love her forever.  I saw a beautiful butterfly float by my kitchen window as I washed the dishes tonight.  It was so beautiful it made me smile and think of my grandmother. 

They say that there is no bond like the bond between a grandchild and a grandparent. My grandmother was one special person.  Love you grandma!  

recovery

Recovery:

I have been home since Monday.  My surgery was outpatient surgery and I was expected to go home the same day as surgery.  We got home much later than expected. I had a hard time with the anesthesia.  Every time I opened my eyes, I would go back to sleep for a while.  Thanks Stephen for waiting there for me for hours!!!! Also, every time I moved I yacked.  This made riding home and getting into bed a fun experience.  The end result is that I am doing well. I have more arm usage than the previous surgery.  I do have one drain but I am managing that fine.  I try and hide it from Shua because he thinks it is a toy.  I am not in tremendous pain.  I have been able to do most of the things around the house. I am just very tired all the time.  Every time Shua naps, I nap. My dad has been great.  He has come down every day to help me with Shua.   He will play with him so I can rest in bed.  The girls have been amazing as well.  Ruthie has done a fantastic job getting Shua to the breakfast table and up to his bed at nap time.  Alex has come by after camp every day to help me feed Shua and get him into bed.  It has been a team effort this past week.  I am pretty confident that I will be back in the game next week. Recheck on Monday, I will keep you all in the loop.  Thank you everyone who has helped out this past week.  I couldn't have made it this far without all of your help.

Nerves....

Nerves:

Well here we are….July 15^th.  I have known that my surgery was going to be on July 16^th since June.  In my mind, I have been telling myself “oh it is next month or oh it is in a few weeks.”  I finally hit the “it is next week.”  Even though it was Friday, I was still saying “next week.”  There were still so many things to be done to get myself prepared for the big day.  I am so excited to get the tissue expanders (aka hockey pucks) out of my body.  I am so excited but also so very nervous.  I am not sure what the recovery will be like. I am not sure how I will feel afterwards.  I have been training my children to be super independent this summer.  Ruthie has had the job of walking her brother down the stairs and getting him in his booster for breakfast.  She also has been getting him out of the chair and guiding him out of the kitchen.  She has really done an amazing job.  Both girls have helped me entertain Shua while I worked on organizing, cleaning and preparing the house for when I won’t feel up to doing much.  I pretty much slept very little last night. I finally fell asleep around 2:30 only to wake up freaking out about “did I do everything that I needed to do?” around 4:30.  I tried really hard to stay very busy today.  The busier I am the less time I have to think about tomorrow.  Today we took a family trip to the zoo.  It was very hot and humid but I believe everyone had a great time.  Then I watched Ruthie learn how to ride her bike by herself.  (Thanks Jason for helping us accomplish this task!)  Then Ruthie and I did some last minute errands.  Finally, it was back to the house to feed the children and cook dinner for Stephen and myself. 

I think I am all ready to go.  The laundry is done.  Fresh towels are put out for all our guests that will be helping us over the next few days.  Food is prepared.  Movies are all ready for the kids to watch.  Playroom is tidy and waiting for Shua to be a whirlwind in the room.  Notes are written for the girls. Clothes are set out for the kids (I will be leaving the house before they wake). Alarm clock has been set. Here we go…

One Year Later...

One year later…

          One year ago today, I received the terrible news, “it is cancer.”  I don’t have to go back and read my first blog to know how I was feeling or how it happened. I can still hear the sound of Stephen’s shoes racing across the floor to hug me. I can still see the look in his eyes when I told him “it is cancer.” I remember sending mass texts to friends and family because I couldn’t actually say the words out loud.  I remember calling my friend Elisa and saying “I know you are 38 and were just diagnosed with cancer, but I am 33 and just got the same diagnosis.”  Just a few days earlier I had mentioned how the doctor said that the mammogram didn’t look cancerous.  However, deep down in my gut, I knew it was something more.  I remember my aunt texting me “want me to come over?”  At first I was like “no.”  Then I started to hyperventilate after I processed the words “it is cancer.”  Of course I started crying and couldn’t stop.  Then I texted my aunt back “yes, please come.”  And they came….in forces….with tissues….but more importantly with a milkshake…..  My parents were out in California visiting with my brother when it all went down.  I begged them to stay and have their “vacation.”  I felt horrible telling them because how could it be a vacation when your child is half way across the country in emotional pain. 

Those first few days and weeks were horrible.  I lost at least 10 pounds (don’t worry I gained them back and more during chemo).  Those first few days, I realized who my real friends were. I realized which people were the ones that were going to get me through this ordeal.   I learned firsthand that the people you least expect to “show up” in a time of crisis come running and the people that you counted on to be there really can’t handle the pressure of a crisis and shy away from you. (it is a year later and some people have yet to say one word to me about having cancer….shocking?....for some yes and for others, not really)  I realized how much my parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and sister-in-law cared for me.  I realized how my longtime best friends were all so far away but made it seem like they were right next door.  I realized that I could text Elisa 80,000 times a day and always get a quick response.  I realized that Cheryl was going to be my “go-to-girl.”  She was always there in a second and always willing to help me with whatever I needed.  I realized that I was going to be on the rabbi’s “checking in on you” list.  I know that I loved the community I lived in, but those first few weeks showed me how much I really loved it in West Orange. I realized that Adele would get my kids to swim because I physically couldn’t hold it together long enough to get them to a lesson.  I realized that Debbie and Adele would be there to watch the kids and make sure that I got to all my tests and appointments while my parents were away in California.  I realized the kindness my co-workers possess.  Most importantly, I realized in those first few days that my journey was going to be long, hard, and life changing but I was going to get through it.  I was going to make it to the other side.

One year later, I am at the other side.  I have done the chemo, the bilateral mastectomy, radiation, physical therapy, and ovary removal.  I have come such a long way. I only realize how sick I was last summer now.  I see how it was so much work for me to wash the dishes or do a load of laundry last summer.  It is hard to please all three of my children at one time.  It is hard to make sure they are fed, happy and entertained.  However, I am doing it and not counting down the minutes until Stephen gets home so I can go crash in my bed.  I am taking care of my family and accomplishing my summer tasks.  Last summer my house became a mess because I couldn’t put things where they belonged and others helped with the cleaning and organizing.  I have compiled a list of tasks that needed to be done last summer and never got done.  I have been working like a mad woman and crossing off those tasks.  Why the rush?  I have my next surgery planned for July 16^th.  I am trying to cram two summers into a few weeks. 

How am I doing?  Overall, I am in a much better place now.  It was rough after radiation.  I felt as if I was not in the right place.  It took some time.  I realized that I can’t keep thinking that we are living in Italy like I had planned and wanted to be.  I have to recognize that I am in Holland.  Once I accepted that I now live in Holland and my life is now in Holland, I am so much better.  Some people still don’t get what I went through and am going through. I just stay away from those people and flock towards those that “get it.”

There have been so many blog entries with the trials and tribulations of cancer.  Here is a quick positive paragraph.  This paragraph is here to show you that I am happy and getting on with life.  It has taken a long time but I am finally in a good spot.  If you told me that I would feel this happy last year, I would never have believed you.  The journey was so long and I couldn’t see past the first bridge in my way.  Now to the good stuff: This past July fourth, I celebrated one of my cousin’s first birthdays. It was a wonderful day.  I was playing and hanging out with my cousins.  We spent the whole day in the pool.  It was great to be in the pool with the kids.  It was great to see Ruthie really swimming.  It was great to hang out with my cousins. It was great to be there with them and not just hanging on the side-lines.  It was great to laugh and joke with them.  It was great to be almost lifted out of the pool from the aftershocks of some of the jumps….just kidding.  It was great to go down the water slide.  It was one of the best days since a year ago.  I honestly had one of the best times ever!  It felt so good to be alive!  Yes, alive!  I am alive and living.  I am enjoying all the moments this summer.  I am being the mom again!  (of course, I will have to slow down a little next week, but I have confidence that I will get back up running sooner rather than later.)

It is a year later and I want to wish my brother Joe a happy birthday!  Sorry last year I gave you terrible news on your birthday.  However, I am here to say Happy Birthday big guy!  Thank you for not shying away in a time of crisis and continuing to send me little excerpts of your life which always provide laughter for me.  Thank you to your entire family for the boxes of clothes, emails, get well cards, and the random “thinking of you” texts and skype messages.  It really meant a lot this past year and did a lot towards my recovery.  Wish you lived closer!  Are you sure you don’t to move back to the garden state?