One year anniversary

One year anniversary….

Wow, it has been a year since I have had a bi-lateral mastectomy.  It has been a year since the breast surgeon operated on me for hours removing all of my breast tissue and hopefully removing all of the cancerous cells that were shrunk to smithereens by the chemo.  It has been a year since the plastic surgeon operated on me for hours trying to make me look somewhat normal again.  I would love to say that I don’t remember that day, but unfortunately I do. I remember crying when Elisheva went into Morah Marissa’s car and off to school. She was the last one to leave the house that morning. I remember my brother Aaron getting her into the car and then coming back inside and seeing me so upset.  We talked and discussed how I was so nervous and scared for the surgery. There was so much unknown that lay ahead.  There was so many questions that I had.  There were so many “what if’s” that just couldn’t be answered. I remember getting dressed in the surgery gown in the pre-op room. I remember the IV man not being able to get a line. I remember starting to cry after his second failed attempt.  I remember thinking “oh no, this surgery is not going to happen, I am never going to get the cancer out of me.”  Finally, the anesthesiologist came in and calmed me down and was able to get an IV going.  Of course they put some calming drugs into my system to get me relaxed and ready for the surgery. I remember waking up after hours in the operating room. I remember the lack of ability to move my arms at all. I remember the nurse saying "these next few days will be the worse days of your life, however, they will make you stronger."  And she was right!

Just a few weeks ago, I was giving advice to another young woman (with small children) who was going to have the same surgery.  I was giving her answers to all her questions and trying to reassure her that everything will be ok.  At the time it is so hard to believe that everything will be ok and that you will be able to get through the days, weeks, and months that follow such a major surgery.  It is so very hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

How did I get through this past year?

#1 The obvious reason: Stephen

There is no way I could have done it without him.  This is a picture of the card that he wrote for our 9^th anniversary only 20 days after diagnosis.  It was the sweetest thing he has ever written.  It has also been a source of strength. Usually I put all of my cards away in a box.  This card I left out and viewed it often.  Whenever things got me down, I would read the lengthy message of support and encouragement.

#2 Another obvious reason: my family

My immediate family, my extended family and members of my framily have all kept me going this past year.  There was always someone there to make sure that I got to the next doctor’s appointment.  There was always someone there to make sure I got the rest I needed.  There was always someone there to make me laugh.  There was always someone there…..I was never left alone this past year, not even for a moment (yup you guessed it, showers and bathroom trips were often interrupted by little ones)

#3 A final obvious reason: friends

Friends come in all shapes and sizes.  Friends have done all sorts of tasks to help me get through this past year.  Some tasks were huge but so necessary. Some tasks were small and might have seemed insignificant but were very crucial at the time.  That’s what friends are for….for good times and bad times….

I am blessed to have so many kind, caring friends in my life.  There are too many to name.  You know who you are and you know how you have helped me get through this past year. Thank you!

#4 my grandma

Even though my grandma is no longer with us, she was a very important part of my recovery.  We would talk often and she was always encouraging me to fight the cancer and stay strong.  She wrote me letter after letter willing me the strength to fight the cancer and get well.  She sent me poems and little words of wisdom.  Just her handwriting alone gave me strength to fight so we could visit come summer time.  Even when I knew that I was saying goodbye forever, she hugged me and said “Y’all come back next summer.”  How could not I not push forward and get healthy?  She was 89 years old and was fighting pancreatic cancer to stay alive long enough to see me.

#5 Elisa

As much as I don’t wish anyone to have to go through what I went through, I am thankful that I had I Elisa this past year.  She was right by my side the entire trip.  She was the one that got all my venting emails or sarcastic texts.  She was the one that understood the bloating, the new “look”, and the constant doctor appointments.  She was the one that in spite of everything, kept me laughing and looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.  Whenever my attitude turned negative, she was there to turn it right back around.  She helped me get through the survivor funk that hits every now and again.

I will say that I have lived my life differently since I have received that dreaded phone call.  Cancer changes you….everyone says it. I honestly try to live every day to its fullest. I try not to procrastinate on calling friends or family to say hi. I try to spend as much time with the kids as I can. There were so many moments that I missed out on Shua from year one to two that I try to grab every second I can with him. 

We found him one morning with Elisheva's purple glove on his hand.  What a silly boy!

 I recently was flipping through one of the 8,000 catalogs we have received in the mail over the past few weeks and came upon this:

A to Zen of Life:

Avoid negative sources, people, places, and habits

Believe in yourself

Consider things from every angle

Don’t give up and don’t give in

Everything you’re looking for lies behind the mask you wear

Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches

Give more than you planned to

Hang on to your dreams

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it

Keep trying no matter how hard it seems

Love yourself

Make it happen

Never lie, steal, or cheat

Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values

Practice makes perfect

Quality, not quantity in anything you do

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer

Stop procrastinating

Take control of your own destiny

Understand yourself in order to better understand others

Visualize it

When you lose, don’t lose the lesson

Xcellence in all your efforts

Zero in on your target and go for it

This little A to Zen really hit home….

December 2, 2012 was NOT spent in the operating room.  It was NOT spent anticipating if surgery will be successful.  It was not spent worried about all those “what if” questions.  December 2, 2012 was spent celebrating my one year anniversary cancer free.  My parents were awesome and watched the kiddies all day long.  Cheryl was awesome and made sure Ruthie got to go to a birthday party.  Stephen and I went out to eat and then went to watch a Broadway Show.  We saw Wicked and LOVED it!  It was a great show to see. It was funny and full of life.  Today, was the first anniversary of many!  Here’s to another year filled with good health and happiness.

 Thanks for making my day so special!  I love you!