Tuesdays after Taxol

Tuesdays after Taxol:

I know that I have mentioned this before.  The Tuesday after my Taxol infusion is a great day for me. I feel like I am on top of the world. I can move around freely. I have been cooking in preparation for the upcoming holiday.  I have been putting odds and ends away in the house.  Not matter how much I put things away, more toys and art supplies just appear out of nowhere.  I got Shua dressed all by myself. That is a huge challenge because he never lays still and constantly kicks me.  Inevitably he always kicks me right by my port.  I used my treadmill for about four miles and I am still moving around.

Here is a little video clip about the days of the week that always makes me laugh.  Enjoy.

Columbus Day

Columbus Day:

   For some people Columbus Day is a day off of work.  For other people Columbus Day is an in-service day at school.  And yet for others Columbus Day is a typical day.  This year Columbus Day is Chemo round 7 for me.  It is my third Taxol round.  The infusion is not that difficult.  I am pretty use to the routine.  The needle stab is the worse part and that is only a few seconds.  The part that really hurts is the days that follow.

    

    I recently received this little story. 

A young woman went to her mother and told her
about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did
not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up,
She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one
problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled
three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon
the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in
the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed
ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the
burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a
bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you
see.'  'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to
feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The
mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hardboiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the
coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects
had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted
differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and
unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling
water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been
fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid
interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its
inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique,
however. After they were in the boiling water, they had
changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter.
'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Thanks Erica for this little story.  It helps put things back into perspective for me.  Tomorrow when I walk into my Chemo appointment, I will make sure that I walk into that appointment as “beans” and leave the office as “coffee.”  Back to Columbus Day….I am very thankful that the banks are closed.  This allows Stephen to be able to go with me to Chemo.  Of course I will miss Lindsey and her Back Street Boys.  She has been great making sure I am ok during infusion and keeping me laughing.  Don’t worry Lindsey, I have some chick flicks packed for Stephen to watch with me.

 Real Men Wear Pink!

1492 Columbus sailed the Ocean…..

Every Moment

Every Moment:

      Yesterday, I was pretty bummed that I would not be returning to work when I expected to.  I know that my health is the most important thing right now. Ever since Ruthie started kindergarten I was not able to put her on the bus.  I was really sad when she started school and I couldn’t be there. I did get her off the bus but that is a whole other experience.  Since diagnosis, the plan was for me to get Ruthie on the bus so Stephen could get to work earlier and hopefully come home earlier and help me at my hardest time of day.  I start crashing around 3:00 and by 5:00 all I want is to go to bed.   As previously posted I have three children who are very active so there is no chance of me crawling into bed any time before 9:00.  Usually we all walk Ruthie out to the bus.  Shua is already excited to see the big yellow bus and watch his big sister get on it.  He is also fascinated by the family of deer that live on the street.  He waves to them every morning.  He also gets a bus load of kids that wave to him as it goes by which always makes him smile.  I am so thankful that I get to experience this. I am happy to see Ruthie smiling and waving to me as the bus goes by. I am happy to watch Shua watch his older sisters go off to school.  I have to take every moment for what it is worth.

    

        There are other moments that I was able to witness and would like to share.  Some days I don’t get to spend a lot of time with Shua. He is very active and wears me out quickly, but here are some of the moments I have been able to enjoy.  Shua waves bye with two hands above his head.  He alternates one hand and then the other.  When he sees me put on a hat or Stephen put on a jacket he starts to wave.  If you say “where is Shua?” or “where is the baby?,” he will pat his belly.  If he hears “yea!,” he will start clapping.  If he does something that he is pleased with, he will also clap.  He was clapping a lot after he put his milk cup in the toilet.  His mother was not so pleased. He has started coming over to us and putting his head on our laps and cuddling with us.  The girls really find this cute.  They prefer this action over him pulling their hair.

    Shua sitting in the Shua bin.  He loves to sit in bins and buckets.

     Elisheva:  I got to watch her cry….oh wait, she does that all the time.  No really, I have been able to spend more one-on-one time with Elisheva.  In the mornings before school, we will look at books together or play with all of her littlest pet shop toys.  In the game, I am usually the frog and whatever animal she rejects that morning.

 One of Elisheva's morning games.

   

Ruthie:  Ruthie is gone most of the day at school.  I have already talked about putting her on the bus.  I know that means a lot to her.  During the school year I am very busy in the evenings.   However, I don’t have papers to grade or lessons to plan right now.  I do have some extra time to spend with Ruthie.  Sometimes I read a book of her choice to her.  Sometimes she does an art project and shares it with me.  She either puts on a little play, song or a dance before bed.  I usually do not join her :)

   In closing, I sometimes feel like everything else is happening around me and I am standing still in time.  After yesterday’s emotional roller coaster I stayed up late thinking about many different things.  All these moments I have been able to share with my children over the past few months helps me continue to fight the fight.

    As I wrote this blog the song came to mind.

Update

Update:
     My next blog entry was going to be about squirrels.  That will have to wait.

     Today I had two important doctor appointments.  The first was with the breast surgeon.  At this appointment I had my pipe (not corn cob or marijuana---Joey) dream explode.  I learned that clinically everything is going very well.  My tumor was a very aggressive tumor.   I am sure the doctor told me this information months ago when we met but I was still in the shock and awe stage of cancer.  70-80% of the cells in the tumor were in active cell division.  That shows you how aggressive and rapid it was growing.  The good news about this tumor is that it acts very well to the Chemo.  Chemo needs mitosis (go back to your biology books) to work.  The Chemo grabs onto these cancer cells and kills them.  At least that is the easy version of what is happening inside of me.  After the good news, I learned that I will not have surgery when I planned but instead a few weeks later.  I am sure you are sitting there thinking “a few weeks, that is not long, why is she freaking out….”  Days to the average person is a lifetime to me.  There is no other way to explain it.  Of course I cried when the doctor told me this.  All I want to do is to go back to work and lead a normal life (whatever that is).  I want to be driving my kids to school, writing lesson plans, teaching, photocopying, researching, cleaning the playroom, making dinner, running on my treadmill, Shabbos napping.  I have such a long time before that will occur.  I think one of the hardest things for me is that after each stage there is a month or longer wait time before you move on to the next stage.  

    After getting over the fact that my work return date is not what I wanted, we moved onto the next task.  My mother was the lovely person who came with me today to drive and help take notes.  We decided to go out for lunch. I happened to think my lunch was very yummy.  I actually picked up some dinner but then realized that I had no way of keeping it cold while we were at the next appointment.  Then we picked up a bag of ice, some fish for my parents’ dinner and some doughnuts.  I ate the doughnuts J  We briefly stopped at the post office.  We know that I love to send and receive snail mail.  Our next appointment was with the plastic surgeon who will be doing my reconstruction.  The only way I can explain this is…….After the Civil War the South was totally destroyed.   Families, farms, towns, livestock, and railroads were completely demolished thanks to William Tecumseh Sherman’s troops.  It took many years and a lot of money to rebuild the South.  The North had to take part in rebuilding the southern part of the country.  It will take lots of money and many months to rebuild me.  People from the North and the South will take part in the rebuilding process whether it is emotionally or physically.  As I said earlier there are many stages to this process. Stop reading now if you don’t want the details…….  After the breast surgeon removes the breast tissue and affected lymph nodes the plastic surgeon gets to work.  He puts in “tissue expanders.”  These tissue expanders will be in place while I go through radiation.  I will also have four drains put in that will be there to obviously drain the fluids.  We all know my feeling on these drains.  I will have several weeks to recover from being hit by a truck before I start radiation.  After I have recuperated from radiation I will have the tissue expanders replaced with implants.  There is more to what happens but I will spare you the details.  At the plastic surgeon’s appointment I got measured for my tissue expanders.  The only way to express my thoughts on this was total humiliation.  Didn’t cry but wanted to.  Held it in. 

      Overall, it was a very emotionally “draining” day.  I think the hardest part is how long this process takes. It is not a quick and easy process.  At the end of the day I have to keep everything in perspective.  I know that things were extend by a few weeks.  Remember though, weeks to you are “never ending” to me.  A very close friend sent me this article.  I read it at a time when I was down and it totally lifted my spirits.  I will need to print it out and keep it in my pocket.  



Some words that I truly believe in:
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly--proverb

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:  By Regina Brett

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.