November/Limbo

November:  What have I been up to?                       

Waiting is the worst part.  Some say that I have been in “limbo.” Chemo ended in October. I had all of November to rid my body of the chemo before my bilateral mastectomy.  I tried to keep myself busy.  The busier I am the less I think of the upcoming bridge that needs to be crossed. No secret, I am scared shitless of the surgery and the recovery period. 

Here is a website that will help you understand how I see surgery and what I will be experiencing.  I warn you there are some graphic pictures.

http://kissestocancer.com/about.html

In November, I went to a baby shower. It was so nice to be out and about and not have everyone ask me questions about how I am feeling or what the next step is.  It was so nice to be the old Rachel for a few hours.  No secret, sometimes I wake up and think “no, I don’t have cancer, it was just a nightmare….”  Then I look in the mirror or feel my port and reality sets back in.

In November, I worked on Elisheva’s quilt. It was supposed to be finished before she turned three.  She will be turning five this coming April. I have sat and tried to do a few squares at a time.  Hopefully it will be done soon. Ruthie keeps reminding me that Shua needs a quilt too.  That might just have to wait until the summer time.  No secret, I am dreading making another quilt.  However, my friend Erica’s younger sister once said “what you do for the first child, you have to do for the rest of the children.”

In November, I had one EKG and one breast MRI.  No secret, waiting for these results were nerve racking.  EKG came out fine.  The MRI showed marked improvement on the tumor.  Turns out the poison that I infused actually kicked cancer’s butt!

I was supposed to have a PET scan to determine if the cancer spread to my liver. A previous test had shown a spot on my liver. I was determined to start chemo, so I had an MRI instead. The MRI said it was probably an atypical hemangioma, but I needed a follow-up PET scan after chemo was over. After the doctor put the orders in and the insurance approved it, the first available appointment was the day before my surgery. That would not work. I would not be able to have surgery then.  I did try calling several other hospitals to see if they could do the test earlier and failed big time.  I will have to wait another month and worry about my liver. People and doctors say “it is probably just an atpical hemangioma.”  The problem is I don’t do “probably.”  I was told “it is probably nothing” when I had my mass first biopsied.  It turned out to be cancer.  I was told it is “probably not in my lymph nodes.”  The cancer was in several of my lymph nodes.  I hope this explains why waiting another month for this one test is very hard for me.  No secret, I wished things would have worked out for me just this one time so I could stop worrying for a few minutes.

In November, I colored many pictures with my daughters.  We are working a special project to get me through my 30+ days of radiation.  No secret, radiation is nothing like chemo but I am still not looking forward to it.

In November, I honked impatiently at a car only to find out it was the Rabbi.  Yup I impatiently honked at a religious leader of our community.  Not a shining moment in the month of November.  No secret, I avoided eye contact with said Rabbi when I went to Shul.  I did listen to his Web Devar…..which should make up for the honking?

In November, I did some skyping. I tried to stay away from people and germs. I did skype with family and friends. It is very important to stay connected.  It can get lonely in the house by myself. My greatest skyping moment was with my grandmother in Kentucky.  This past August she turned 89.  She is always full of spunk and positive thoughts.  She has taught me so many things from playing Spite and Revenge to quilting.  She is probably the reason that I am so competitive when I play games.  Even though we were children, she played the game to win.  Just recently she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I was not able to make my yearly summer drive down to Kentucky due to my own cancer and chemo appointments. I have not been able to fly down there either to visit with her.  Last week she had to go back to the hospital because she was not feeling so well. On Thanksgiving she was able to go home. My cousin Suzy set up her computer so we could skype with my grandmother.  I was so happy to see her and have her see my children.  Thank you Suzy for making that happen. No secret, I miss the personal interaction with people.

In November, I went out to dinner with Stephen.  It was nice to go out and celebrate the end of chemo.  I need to thank Alex for watching the kiddies so we could have some alone time.  No secret, I was not all that excited about my dinner.  I will definitely have to go out again (to another place).

In November, I did some time practicing using my right arm more than my left.  I am right handed but I do a lot of things with my left hand. I carry my purse on my left and I carry my Shua on my left.  After surgery I won’t be able to carry Shua for a long time. My left arm will have a higher risk of swelling.  Whenever Shua is near me and asks to be picked up. I pick him up and kiss him lots.  I know that come December, Shua and I will have a relationship from a distance.  He is way more active than the girls.  He doesn’t just sit still.  When he is near me he fidgets, kicks, and attacks me.  The girls are more low-key.  They will sit next to me and look at books.  No secret, I will miss being on the floor with Shua and having him climb all over me.

In November, there were a few days that Shua and I spent all day together.  It was nice to spend time with him and cuddle (the best that I could since he rarely sits still).  It was great to watch him dump all his toys from their bins (yes, anal mommy cringed inside when he did this).  Of course I was exhausted after these intense Shua days but they were so worth it.  No secret, my favorite part of these days was when Shua said “bbb….ball.”  He says a few words here and there. Mostly he says “da da.”  He says “da da” when I ask him to say mommy.  Now, when I ask him to say mommy, he does an Indian war cry…..can’t explain that one.

 Shua did this all on his own.....

In November, I did one “Turkey Trot” at Ruthie’s school.  It was great to see her happy and smiling and showing me all around her classroom.  It was a great bonding experience for both of us. No secret, I loved that I was able to do this with her.

In November, I celebrated the end of chemo with my dear friend Elisa.  She has been on this rocky road with me from the start and she is actually on the road with me.  I have confided in her several times because she truly gets what this journey has been like.  No secret, we will be doing crazy fun things next summer instead of chemo infusions.

In November, I grew some hair.  Just when I was starting to get used to being bald, my hair starts its long awaited return.  I remember being so upset when I lost my hair.  Lenn was right, hair is overrated.  I will still wear hats for a while.  I never realized how cold your head gets without hair until I lost it all.  No secret, I enjoyed the hairless legs and will miss not having to shave.

In November, I had one kidnapping.  I loved being kidnapped by my cousins.  It was great trying to watch Kimmie open the sliding glass door to let the other hooligans into the house.  Elisheva and Shua watched by the window as I was kidnapped with Beau’s leash.  Yes there was crying….by both children.  I heard an earful by Ruthie when I returned that it was “no fair that I got to go play with my cousins and not her.”  It was a nice ride back to the Bader home where we had Chinese food and watched a lot of Friends.  There was lots of laughter and an overall great day.  Thanks Becca aka Becky for bringing the DVD’s to watch. I got a personalized apron….just kidding Lindsey.  No secret, my cousins have really been there for me as I travel through this journey.

 Some of the hooligans....

In November, there have been many, many games of Words with Friends.  No secret, I am addicted!

In November, I used my treadmill aka dreadmill whenever I could.  I find running soothing. I can get out nervous energy or think about all the days occurrences.  I also know that after surgery, it will be some time before I can use the dreadmill again.  In the month of November I traveled 69.2 miles on my dreadmill.  If you are really curious my day by day accomplishment, email me and I will send it to you. No secret, I will miss my time on the dreadmill.

November, you came and now it is time for you to go.  December is here and it is time for my surgery.  I go into the hospital with a tumor and affected lymph nodes.  I WILL walk out of the hospital with no breast tissue but more importantly with no more cancer. No secret, walking out with this physical change will probably hit me hard at first.  Here's to January!

Here is a song that has helped me through this long never ending month: