It was my brother's birthday (happy birthday Joe). First we have to back up a week. I had recently found a mass on my left breast. I went to the O.B. who said "don't worry it is probably nothing but let's have a mammogram done." Then I went to radiology and had a mammogram done. That was a traumatic day where I learned my lesson to never go to doctors appointments alone. After the radiologist spoke with my OB about the next step, I was then referred to a breast surgeon. Again I got good news of "oh is probably nothing, it does not look cancerous so we won't have the cancer talk today". Two days later, an hour before Shabbat started, my world was flipped upside down. I was told the biopsy came back cancerous. Of course the doctor kept talking and I stopped listening. That one word is enough to make you stop in place and stop breathing. Of course I will never forget the sounds of Stephen's shoes as he ran back into the room or the look on his face when I spoke those words "it's cancer."
I hung up the phone and started to contact family. Started to have a panic attack. How can I have cancer? I am 33 years old. I run on the treadmill regularly. I eat salad for lunch and bring fruit for my snacks. I can't take care of my family, keep the playroom clean, grade my papers, give baths, or cook food if I go through chemo. How am I am (type A personality) going to let go of so many things and let others do them for me?
Now Stephen and I have two days to just sit and think. Stephen has been amazing through this whole experience. What a rock (with boney elbows) to lean on. He has been there to make sure I get my appointments when I need and doesn't let a reception say "we will see when we can fit her in...".He is there to watch Friends episodes with or to sit and do a puzzle with. He has changed so many diapers since this has all happened.
Since the initial biopsy results I have been prodded and stabbed. I have been scanned and MRI'ed. I have been radioactive for a little while. I have made tech's cry when they see my age and learn my story.
Yesterday, was a big day for me. I had my port put in place and started my first dose of Chemo.
One day at a time, one step at a time, and I try to breathe.....
I hope you stay with me as I take one step at at time on this journey.
I as well as others will be with you Rachel. Great job at sharing your feelings......and your story. I hope it serves as some comfort :) Hang in there!!!
ReplyDeleteYou have so many friends and family members who are praying for you each night and who want to be there for you each step of the way. We love you!
ReplyDeleteRefuah Sheleima! Take this one step and day at a time!
ReplyDeleteHaving been there myself, you have so eloquently shared how scary and surreal this experience can be. But, here I am, 13 years later, and stronger than ever. You will do this, because you have to, and will come to appreciate, even further, all the wonderful people in your life who will be there for you. Let them help you and may God keep you strong on this journey!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your journey with us here, Rachel. I wish I lived closer, I'd check in everyday and be as Type A as you and organize your playroom at the end of the day =) You are strong and your support system will be there for you in any way you can need. Much love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteRachel, Thank you for sharing and know that in addition to your family and closest friends you also have a circle of people like me sending warm thoughts of health and happiness your way. I didn't see you much this past year because of my new job and I missed your kindness and warmth, always offering to help. Know that you are loved by many and you are in our thoughts and prayers every day my birthday buddy.
ReplyDeleteRachel, I hope you are feeling ok from the chemo. I heard on the news today listening to a Dr. that attitude is so important regarding illness. So I know how strong you are and just keep a positive attitude, better days are coming. Love to you, Steven, Ruthie, Eli and Shua. Talk to you soon.
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