Shua

Shua

My son turns three today.  This day causes so much emotion for me.  To start with, I truly didn’t believe the doctor when she said “it is a boy.”  Then two years ago my life changed around Shua’s birthday.  We had just thrown him a birthday party.  It was a fantastic party.  We celebrated our baby turning one.  There was cake, balloons, and smiles all around.  A few days later is when I felt the mass.  I knew something was not right.  I went through the steps of making the appropriate doctor appointments.  We all know what happened from there.  Last year we celebrated Shua’s 2^nd birthday.  It was still very hard for me to chase Shua and keep up with him.  This year though things are different.  We have been building up to Shua’s third birthday for months.  His sisters have taught him that his birthday is June 4^th.  They have taught him that he will be turning three on this day. Shua knows that he will get cake on his birthday.  He has practiced singing Happy Birthday to himself. Of course today, I think “this was around the time all hell broke loose.  This is the time when my world started to crumble.”  However, over the past couple months; I have watched my baby grow up so much. I have watched him learn new things. I have watched his vocabulary soar. I have watched him express his thoughts and feelings.  Birthdays are supposed to be fun and filled with smiles.  I am sure that the butterfly feeling that exists when it is Shua’s birthday will fade with time.  Over time I will no longer associate Shua’s birthday with feeling the mass. It will only be a time for balloons, cake and smiles for everyone.

Here are a few pictures of Shua to make you smile.  Ok there are a lot but I love to take pictures :)

 Notice the Smurfs in his "pocket" (shoved in his pants)

Can you find him?

Laying on a friend

ET phone home

Sledding

flying like superman

vacuuming in ladybug rain boots

sleeping with a baseball hat (sorry it is fuzzy)

making bubble with his friend Mater

At the TB Zoo

planting with Grandma

Loving his purple plant

Building :)

watering Grandma's new tree

Having a tea party

Having a ride with Elisheva

Eating cake with cousins

Getting ready for a swim!

It was very hard to go through what I went through with a young baby to take care of.  Shua was so little when it all started.  He didn't understand what was happening.  I didn't even understand what was happening. There were so many other people taking care of him.  I wasn't the mother I wanted to be for him.  I missed out on so much of his baby experiences.  I felt so guilty that I couldn't take him places and play with him like I really wanted to.  He got away with a lot because I was not about to control him or reprimand him when he did something wrong.  Two years later and I am doing all those things that I wanted to do with him.  We read books together.  We play playdoh together.  We go to the park and take rides on the train at the zoo.  We plant plants together and water them.  Sometimes we get more wet than the plants but that is ok because we are spending time together.  Love my Shua!

Mother's Day 2013

Mother’s Day 2013

Last year was a nice Mother’s Day.  But this year was awesome!  Last year, I was still getting over the side effects from Chemo, surgery and radiation.  This year I got to sleep late.  We all know that Rachel loves her sleep.  I got to run on the treadmill while Stephen and Shua went grocery shopping.  I got to plant flowers with my daughters and mother.  Last year I could not be bothered with picking out flowers and planting them.  I had no extra energy to do it.  This year I was able to take the girls to pick out flowers.  I was able to help them plant the flowers in the pots. I was able to make dinner, bathe the kids, finish my lesson plans for the week, do several loads of laundry and still have energy left over.  It is a world of a different from last year.  I loved today.  It was a very special day spent with my family.  Of course there was one person that was missing.  It was a bitter sweet evening.  I miss being able to call my grandma and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. I miss listening to where she went out to for lunch and who she spent the day with. I do know that she was with me today. I saw so many butterfly things today.  Each one reminded me of my grandmother. 

Since being sick, I have truly tried to live each day to its fullest. I have tried to spend as much time with my loved ones as possible.  It is days like this that I am so grateful to be healthy.  It is days like this that made all the pain last year worth it.

Race Day 2013

Race Day:

I have been trying to compose my thoughts for this blog for a while.  I would write and then erase and try again. I just had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to say.  Then I decided to wait until I ran and then write my thoughts and feelings.  So here it is.

Last year at this time, I could barely walk a half mile. I had just had my ovaries removed.  That surgery was one of many. My body was worn out and beaten up.  I was exhausted during the walk, turned around and went home with one thought in mind “next year, I am running this race.” 

Background on me:  I used to run all the time. I ran cross country and track in high school and college. I loved to run. I would go out and run for fun.  Who does that?  Life happened, I got married, had kids, and didn’t really run like I used to any more. I had a treadmill and would run while Ruthie watched a movie. I would run on the treadmill at night after the girls went to bed. I didn’t have the opportunity to go out on the streets or trails and run for fun.  Everyone knows that running on the treadmill is so different that the streets.  I tried hard to keep myself in shape over the years.

So when I said “I am going to run this next year,” it was not an unreachable task for me.  Of course I knew that I would have to train and get myself in the right mode to be able to run.  I started slowly by building up my speed and distance (on the treadmill because of logistics).   Of course I then had more surgery and had to take time off.  Then it was back to starting at level zero and building up again.  I always had “May 5^th” in the back of my mind.  It was the motivation to get on the treadmill in the dead of winter when all you want to do is snuggle under your blankets with hot chocolate.  It was the motivation for me to get on the treadmill at the end of a full day of teaching and taking care of the kids.  Of course there were other motivators for this race.

Devorah:

This is my sister-in-law Devorah.  I honestly don’t remember the whole conversation that took place this past summer in Georgia.  I do remember sitting around a table and people were talking about running and I said I was going to run the Komen race in May.  I had already promised myself that I was going to do it and when I want to do something, I do it.  Time passes and Devorah tells me that she is getting a ticket to come and run with me.  Wow!  What a gesture!  She was going to leave her family and fly across the country to run a race with me.  The best part of this gesture is, Devorah hates to run.  She never was a runner and would tell me that I was crazy for running all the time.  Devorah started to run and train on the West Coast (California) while I trained in my basement in New Jersey.  Knowing that she bought the ticket was a reason for me to get on the treadmill and get into shape.  During the race, there were moments when I wanted to just give up, but I would look right next to me and knew that Devorah flew all this way to get me to the finish line. (and she did!).  She also brought her daughter Elinoa to come and spend some time with us.  That was a sweet treat.

Stephen:

This is my husband Stephen.  We all know that I could not have done this without him.  For so many nights he gave up his man cave so I could use the treadmill and train for my run. As the race drew closer, the butterflies in my stomach arrived.  I think what settled my nerves was when Stephen said “I would rather run than walk.  I will run a 40 minute race, I don’t care.”  These were the words that I needed to hear.  I needed to know that he would be there with me just like he has been through this entire journey.  I needed to know that I would at least beat one person (Stephen also hates to run).  The funny part is at one part when we were running up a hill, he started to walk because I was moving so slow.  I felt bad and told him to go on without me.  When we got home we were chatting and he said “I started to walk because I felt like I was running in place.”  It was so funny and probably true because I was going pretty slow up that last hill. 

These are my colleagues:

I have a special bond with each of them.  Anne is an amazing person.  She was in my place not too long ago.  Last year, she was the reason I was able to get myself to work and push past all of the pain and exhaustion.  She was a sign for me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  She was an example of what life would be like in time.  Her smile was contagious and was so motivating.  She came in 2^nd for the survivors at the race. You go girl!!! You rock and give me more motivation to keep at it.  All of them would ask me on a regular basis “are you ready for the race?  Are you ready for the run?”  Of course there was no backing out now, I have others going to the race to support me.

Elisa:

This is Elisa.  She is my fellow survivor.  We both have been in a transition part of our lives.  We have been trying to eat super healthy and exercise as much as possible.  We are both trying to keep the cancer away forever.  We have each other and check in daily.  We don’t let one another give up or slack.  It is always better to do things with a friend.  Together we beat cancer’s ass.  Together we are taking back our lives.  Together we “inspired” others. 

It was a wonderful day.  I ran with all my heart. I didn’t stop once. There were moments when I wanted to stop but I looked to my right and saw Stephen, or I looked to my left and saw Devorah, or I looked at Anne, Margaret, Joanie, George, Robin, or Sandy,  cheering me on and I had no choice but to finish the race. Going up the first hill I did say “I love hills, I love hills” for my brother Scott.  I really don’t though, especially the last one at the end of the race.  There were moments when I thought about all that I have been through these past few years.  I had to fight back the tears as I ran. It made breathing a little harder but I couldn’t stop those thoughts.  This race showed me that I have survived. I am not going to become a fanatic runner again. I am not going to go to all different races or train for a marathon.  I was talking with Ruthie at the end of the day.  I told her “Ruthie, I ran this race for myself.  I ran it to prove to myself that I could run it.  Remember how sick I was?  I needed to run this to know that I am not sick anymore. I needed to run for me.”  One of my favorite moments was when we got home and Shua said “you done with your race?”  I loved that he knew what we were doing.  Which leads me to my parents:  Thank you so much mom and dad!  I could not have done this without you and your support.  Thank you for making it possible for me to get to my race on time. Thank you to all my contributors!  I know that some people are not fans of Komen. I respect those that donated knowing that you were helping me accomplish a much needed task.  Thank you for helping me get to my race day and finish the race.

We ended our day with some Carvel!  After all it has been like forever since I had a milkshake and needed one! 

Get out your running shoes...

Get out your running shoes….

Last year I participated in the Komen walk.  It was a few weeks after I had surgery. I could barely do the one mile fun walk. Luckily I was walking with a friend who knew that I was hurting and didn’t make me feel guilty when we turned around before we hit the turn-around point. There were some people that gave looks. I did feel a little guilty but my body couldn’t handle it.  I had done 30 radiation zaps followed by another surgery.  After I made it back to the starting line, took my medal and found a rock to sit on, I promised myself “next year, you will run it and finish the race.”  I am one that usually follows through with my promises. 

Since the race, I had yet more surgery.  However, I also had time to exercise and attempt to get myself back into shape.  Here is the deal. I am running on May 5^th and I want you to run with me.  My goal for this year is to run and finish the race.  There are already people from near and as far as California (Devorah) who have agreed to run with me and get me through the race.  Check out the link below for more details.

If you can't just click on the link that is because I am not tech savvy.  Just cut and paste into a new window.  

Looking forward to running with you.

http://northjersey.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SMT_NorthJerseyAffiliate?px=11210020&pg=personal&fr_id=2905