One Year Later...

One year later…

          One year ago today, I received the terrible news, “it is cancer.”  I don’t have to go back and read my first blog to know how I was feeling or how it happened. I can still hear the sound of Stephen’s shoes racing across the floor to hug me. I can still see the look in his eyes when I told him “it is cancer.” I remember sending mass texts to friends and family because I couldn’t actually say the words out loud.  I remember calling my friend Elisa and saying “I know you are 38 and were just diagnosed with cancer, but I am 33 and just got the same diagnosis.”  Just a few days earlier I had mentioned how the doctor said that the mammogram didn’t look cancerous.  However, deep down in my gut, I knew it was something more.  I remember my aunt texting me “want me to come over?”  At first I was like “no.”  Then I started to hyperventilate after I processed the words “it is cancer.”  Of course I started crying and couldn’t stop.  Then I texted my aunt back “yes, please come.”  And they came….in forces….with tissues….but more importantly with a milkshake…..  My parents were out in California visiting with my brother when it all went down.  I begged them to stay and have their “vacation.”  I felt horrible telling them because how could it be a vacation when your child is half way across the country in emotional pain. 

Those first few days and weeks were horrible.  I lost at least 10 pounds (don’t worry I gained them back and more during chemo).  Those first few days, I realized who my real friends were. I realized which people were the ones that were going to get me through this ordeal.   I learned firsthand that the people you least expect to “show up” in a time of crisis come running and the people that you counted on to be there really can’t handle the pressure of a crisis and shy away from you. (it is a year later and some people have yet to say one word to me about having cancer….shocking?....for some yes and for others, not really)  I realized how much my parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and sister-in-law cared for me.  I realized how my longtime best friends were all so far away but made it seem like they were right next door.  I realized that I could text Elisa 80,000 times a day and always get a quick response.  I realized that Cheryl was going to be my “go-to-girl.”  She was always there in a second and always willing to help me with whatever I needed.  I realized that I was going to be on the rabbi’s “checking in on you” list.  I know that I loved the community I lived in, but those first few weeks showed me how much I really loved it in West Orange. I realized that Adele would get my kids to swim because I physically couldn’t hold it together long enough to get them to a lesson.  I realized that Debbie and Adele would be there to watch the kids and make sure that I got to all my tests and appointments while my parents were away in California.  I realized the kindness my co-workers possess.  Most importantly, I realized in those first few days that my journey was going to be long, hard, and life changing but I was going to get through it.  I was going to make it to the other side.

One year later, I am at the other side.  I have done the chemo, the bilateral mastectomy, radiation, physical therapy, and ovary removal.  I have come such a long way. I only realize how sick I was last summer now.  I see how it was so much work for me to wash the dishes or do a load of laundry last summer.  It is hard to please all three of my children at one time.  It is hard to make sure they are fed, happy and entertained.  However, I am doing it and not counting down the minutes until Stephen gets home so I can go crash in my bed.  I am taking care of my family and accomplishing my summer tasks.  Last summer my house became a mess because I couldn’t put things where they belonged and others helped with the cleaning and organizing.  I have compiled a list of tasks that needed to be done last summer and never got done.  I have been working like a mad woman and crossing off those tasks.  Why the rush?  I have my next surgery planned for July 16^th.  I am trying to cram two summers into a few weeks. 

How am I doing?  Overall, I am in a much better place now.  It was rough after radiation.  I felt as if I was not in the right place.  It took some time.  I realized that I can’t keep thinking that we are living in Italy like I had planned and wanted to be.  I have to recognize that I am in Holland.  Once I accepted that I now live in Holland and my life is now in Holland, I am so much better.  Some people still don’t get what I went through and am going through. I just stay away from those people and flock towards those that “get it.”

There have been so many blog entries with the trials and tribulations of cancer.  Here is a quick positive paragraph.  This paragraph is here to show you that I am happy and getting on with life.  It has taken a long time but I am finally in a good spot.  If you told me that I would feel this happy last year, I would never have believed you.  The journey was so long and I couldn’t see past the first bridge in my way.  Now to the good stuff: This past July fourth, I celebrated one of my cousin’s first birthdays. It was a wonderful day.  I was playing and hanging out with my cousins.  We spent the whole day in the pool.  It was great to be in the pool with the kids.  It was great to see Ruthie really swimming.  It was great to hang out with my cousins. It was great to be there with them and not just hanging on the side-lines.  It was great to laugh and joke with them.  It was great to be almost lifted out of the pool from the aftershocks of some of the jumps….just kidding.  It was great to go down the water slide.  It was one of the best days since a year ago.  I honestly had one of the best times ever!  It felt so good to be alive!  Yes, alive!  I am alive and living.  I am enjoying all the moments this summer.  I am being the mom again!  (of course, I will have to slow down a little next week, but I have confidence that I will get back up running sooner rather than later.)

It is a year later and I want to wish my brother Joe a happy birthday!  Sorry last year I gave you terrible news on your birthday.  However, I am here to say Happy Birthday big guy!  Thank you for not shying away in a time of crisis and continuing to send me little excerpts of your life which always provide laughter for me.  Thank you to your entire family for the boxes of clothes, emails, get well cards, and the random “thinking of you” texts and skype messages.  It really meant a lot this past year and did a lot towards my recovery.  Wish you lived closer!  Are you sure you don’t to move back to the garden state?