Feel the burn...

Feel the Burn….

A true athlete knows what I am talking about when I say “feel the burn.”  When you are working out and you are fighting the urge to just stop and call it a day but know that you can’t stop because you will be angry with yourself in the end.  You stick with the workout, feel the burn, and love yourself so much more at the end.

Well…..this burn I am feeling is not the good burn.  Radiation has caused my armpit to feel like a really intense sunburn.   It looks like a really intense sunburn (from what I can see).  Sometimes it hurts to just move my arm because I know the skin will rub against my shirt or bra and cause intense pain. Not moving my arm is not an option.  What parent of a 20 month old can just sit there and not move?  Have you met my son Shua? Also, I have been working really hard with a physical therapist to get better range of motion.   I meet twice a week but do exercises every morning and night.  Yes, another thing added to my routine.  There are so many mornings where I just don’t feel like getting on the floor and stretching my arm.  There are so many evenings where all I want to do is crawl into bed and go to sleep.  But……I can’t, I know that in the end my body will be so much better off by doing the exercises.

Sheer exhaustion:  That is what I feel most days.  It is not the “I just had a newborn” exhaustion.   It is not the “I just ran 6 miles exhaustion.”  It is a different kind of exhaustion.  It is hard to explain.  After I began the radiation journey the exhaustion started to slowly appear. Radiation exhaustion would hit me on Friday after a full week of work.  Then it slowly crept up and hit me on Thursday.  Before I knew it the exhaustion was there to greet me by Tuesday night.  No joke, I wake up Monday morning and say to myself “really?  Only Monday?  How will I ever get through the week?”

How do I do it?  I do get asked that a lot.  There is no easy answer.  I usually just say “you just do it.” I am a walking Nike commercial.  I am pretty sure anyone put in my position would step up to the plate and do what needs to be done.  Ok, so the floors don’t get swept every week.  Ok, so you give Elisheva Ruthie’s leggings to put on and they just fall down.  Ok, so you forget to take your hat off before you go into the shower (more than once).  Ok, so you almost walk into the men’s dressing room after radiation.  Ok, so you pack yourself a “yo baby” yogurt for lunch and hope that you didn’t pack a LaYogurt with chucks of strawberries for either Shua or Elisheva.  These are just a few examples of what radiation exhaustion has done to me. 

Well here is my secret…..listen to this song over and over…. 

Of course I know that it is not just “me, myself, and I.”  There are so many people that have made it possible for me to get to radiation and physical therapy.  There are so many people that have helped with the kids or cooked meals.  There are so many people that have just been there to listen to me complain about my sunburned armpit or my sheer exhaustion.  There are so many people that see me on a daily basis and ask about my health or are there to give me that extra motivation to get to radiation.  As we enter the final countdown, there are days that I am talking myself into just getting into the van and getting my butt to radiation.  I usually try and think of some sort of excuse, but of course my conscience gets the better of me and I just plug along to the hospital.  Yes, after “the burn” is intensified I am happy with myself for getting another session done.

So….

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….

What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter….

Thank you Kelly Clarkson for getting me to radiation these past few sessions and helping me “feel the burn.”

This little video is just for fun.  My fellow warrior sent this little video to me for a smile.  It so worked.

 

So much to say and so little time....

So much to say and so little time…..

I.                    Radiation

II.                  Physical Therapy

III.                Never Give Up

IV.                Singing

Introduction:  Today, marks my two month anniversary of being cancer free!  Here is my monthly chair picture.

I.                    Radiation:  January 31, 2012 marked my 15^th round of radiation.  It is a milestone because I am halfway done with radiation.  Every little milestone is worth celebrating.  I must say that the people that I interact with where I get my radiation are a great group of individuals.  They are always smiling and usually say something to make me laugh. They have taken the time to get to know me and share parts of their lives with me.  Everyday though, I tell them…..”can’t wait until this is over.”  The fatigue has definitely hit home this past week.  Last Friday, I was so exhausted that I went to sleep shortly after we put Shua to bed at 6:40pm.  It doesn’t help that I have PT twice a week which adds to my exhaustion.  Segway into the next chapter.

II.                  Physical Therapy:  I started physical therapy on Tuesday, January 31, 2012.  I have been wearing a sleeve because my left arm had some swelling. I was hoping that when it was checked there would be no additional swelling or even better the therapist would tell me that I could not wear the sleeve any more.  It is rather annoying.  It is not fun to put on and adds a good 5-7 minutes in the morning to my already busy routine.  No such luck on that front, in fact the arm has more swelling than the last time I was there.  Ho hum…..

III.                Never Give Up:  I hear this phrase a lot.  Throughout this journey, lots of people have told me this.  Friends, family, colleagues, random people on the street have all said “never give up!”  The phrase means does mean a lot to me.  It shows that what I am doing is not easy but I need to stay strong and not give in.  Don’t get me wrong, there are days that I totally feel like throwing in the towel because it is just too much.  On those days, I just take a little walk to my living room and look at this.

My father made this for me.  It is one of his many talents.  He needlepoints some really awesome things.  The picture is so pretty and calms me down.  It reminds me that soon, I will be able to relax and enjoy life again.  Soon, I will be able to hang out with the children and do fun activities like the beach, park, or maybe even Disney.  It means a lot to me that he spent the time working on this.  Thanks dad!  I would give you a hug but we both know…..I don’t hug and neither do you.

IV.                Singing:   Those of you that know me well know that I can’t sing for beans.  I have never been able to and most likely never will be able to sing.  There is a vice principal where I work that read my blog many months back.  She saw that I was using the song “going the distance” to get through my tough days.  This vice principal mentioned to the chorus teacher at my school about singing this particular song.  To make the story even better, Mr. Bishop was my music teacher when I went to CMS.  No, I was never in chorus. I was told by the chorus teacher at the time to “stick to academics.”  Those of you that went to CMS with me will probably be thinking of who that gem of a teacher was.  Remember he had those coins with his picture of himself on it?  Remember he went on tour with Debbie Gibson.  He totally knew his music and was talented but he totally didn’t know what he was doing to young children by telling them they can’t sing and to “stick to academics.”  In the end, it was probably for the best. I had a class where we did map skills and geography and that fit my interests perfectly.  No one had to listen to me sing and I am sure my brother Aaron will tell you that my singing is not a pretty experience.  Throughout my life I have be comfortable singing around him.  He does know music and would say “you are way out of tune.” Of course I would respond “tune?  What is that?” and keep on singing.  Sorry, I digress.  So shortly after returning to work a girl came up to me in the hallway.  I did not know who this girl is.  It is clear that I am the teacher that was out sick with cancer. I am not sure if my bright pink shirts or my leopard print hat gives it away.  Anyways, she said to me “are you coming to the concert?”  I responded “no?”  After she walked away this is what went through my mind….

“who was that?”

“what concert?”

“did I sign up to chaperone?”

“did George (my teammate) sign me up to chaperone as a joke?”

“who was that?”

The bell rings and my next class is starting. I push these thoughts out of my head.  Ideally I hoped to return to these thoughts and pursue the situation.  Of course, I forgot all about it.  Thanks Chemo for killing my short term memory!

Many days later I walk into school and go to fill up my water bottle. I do this every morning. I always say hi to the people in the office as I do this.  I walk by the vice principal’s office like every other day and say “good morning.”  Instead of a “good morning” in return I got “could you stop by my office for a few minutes during second period.”  This is what went through my mind…..

“oh crap…what parent is calling to complain that I gave a homework assignment.”

“oh crap….did I not hand in something?”

“oh crap….did I not post my lesson plans?”

“oh crap….didn’t the kids know that I was joking when I said “if you don’t stop clicking that pen, I will throw it out the window.”

“oh crap….I have to wait a whole period to find out what she wants.”

Well this is what she wanted:  She took me for a walk and we walked by the chorus signing and preparing for their concert.  Mr. Bishop sees us and shakes his head no at us. All the pieces start to fall together. We continue walking to the copy room and check the mailboxes and then slowly walk back to the chorus singing.  These two girls (former students) went to the microphone and said “the next song is dedicated to Mrs. Isler……” (I am not sure of the entire announcement and don’t want to quote it wrong)  Then they all started singing “going the distance.”  This is what went through my mind….

“this is what that random student was talking about…”

“man, they are doing such a nice job….”

“I can’t believe the chills I have running through my body.”

“hold it together, don’t cry….don’t cry….don’t cry”

“wow the people I work with rock!”

Thank you Kim for getting the ball rolling.  Thank you Mr. Bishop for being a great teacher when I was a student at CMS and for being a great teacher, friend, and colleague now!  Of course I would never post a picture of the kids singing. I wanted to post a picture of Mr. Bishop and myself but that would involve me remembering to bring my camera to school.  Here is the next best thing.

 Irvin McDowell, leader of the Union Army.....aka.....Mr. Bishop :)

Radiation...it is what I do....

Radiation….it is what I do….

Many people ask me about radiation and I get a lot of  “so what is it like?”  Honestly, I didn’t really know what to expect.  I brought my brother to the radiologist appointment before I started.  The doctor said a lot of information and I sort of zoned out.  I knew that my brother was taking it all in and would explain it to me when my mind was ready to understand it. I didn’t want to do radiation but just like chemo, I had no choice.  I had two sessions where they worked on making my mold and setting me all up for my daily zaps of radiation.  

So here is how it goes.

2:10-2:15: big yellow busses start pulling into the school to pick up the kids.  Just as the kids get excited to see them and know that school is almost over, I too register that I have a few more minutes to make sure I have taught what I needed to for the day.

2:20:  bell rings and my last class filters into the hall.  I stand on hall duty and encourage the students to go home.  Many of them stay and chat and slowly pack their bags.  Funny how they can’t wait to leave the classroom but love to hang out in the hallway.

2:35ish: the busses depart and I make my way to my car.  Hopefully, I head to right spot and get in.  There are those days that I say “where did I park again?” or ”Oh yeah, the row was filled and I had to go somewhere else, now where was that?”

2:50ish: I pull up to the hospital where I am doing radiation. I park and go inside.  I have to announce myself to the secretaries each time.  By law I have to say my name.  It is funny they just smile at me at first until I say my name.  I know that they know my name and they know that I know that they know my name….so it always makes me smile.

3:00ish: Sometimes I don’t get to sit down and they will call me right back.  Then there are other times where I sit down and peruse the magazines.  I usually like the quiet time at doctor offices to check out the latest gossip magazines and get caught up on what is happening in the entertainment world.  However, I go to radiation every day, so I have already checked out all the fun magazines.  One day I read Southern Living.  It was definitely different than Us Weekly.  When I am called, I go through the doors and head to the women’s changing area.  I actually read the sign every time. I know that one of these days, I will be in my own little world thinking about something else and almost go into the wrong room.

In the changing room, I select a locker and take the key. I then proceed to get undressed which is still somewhat challenging. I wear stretchy shirts so that I can just pull my arms out easily.  I then put on the lovely hospital gown.  I then wait in the next area for them to call my name.  In this section, I stare at magazines up on a wall. I could take one down but I usually get called rather quickly.  The magazines stare back and me and say things like “how did I get cancer?” or “defeat cancer.” 

3:10ish:  I have now been called back to the radiation room.  I get to lie on this table.  They place a sheet down which makes it somewhat slippery.  I get into the right position.  I fit into the mold that I made several weeks ago.  I turn my head to the right and place my arm up over my head. I usually place my hand on my hat to keep it from falling out of place.  I then lie there and listen to them measure and line me up. Every other day I have this thing placed over the spot to help bring the radiation closer to the surface.  The techs are great.  They usually have loud music playing which totally helps me forget that I am half naked lying on a table with people measuring and prodding.  The music totally helps me forget that I am getting ready to be zapped.

3:15ish:  The zapping begins.  The machine moves around and I get three different zaps.  Each blast last about 30-40 seconds. I do not count “Mississippily.” (now who got that reference?)  When I start to hear the zapping noise, I usually close my eyes and count. I think about being on a beach in Hawaii on a nice summer night.  I think about the smell of the ocean and the feel of the warm sun.  Then the zapping stops and I open my eyes.  After the last set of zaps, I just lay there until they come in and I hear “ok Rachel, you can put your arm down and cover up.”  I think and say out loud “9 done, roughly 21 more to go.”

3:30ish: I collect the children (Thanks to Adele and my mom they are usually waiting for me in the parking lot) and head home to start the evening of homework, dinner, baths, and chase the Shua. 

Radiation….it is what I do….

September in January

September in January:

Well…..I did it!  I made it through my first week of school.  No lie, every day was exhausting.  I was glad that it was a short week.  I would have never made it through the first day without the great colleagues that I work with. The flowers, the welcome back cards, the presents all helped me feel like I never left.  My fellow social studies teacher Ken really helped me get all situated and get back into the flow of things.  He probably doesn’t realize how much he really helped me those first few days.  I got a card that plays the theme song to Friends!  Love it!  Ruthie picked out flowers that were delivered to school on my first day.  Love it!  Adele was there every afternoon to help me get the kids back into their car seats in the van.  JoJo and Bill were great with helping me get Shua into the house in the mornings.  Shua already says “JoJo” which is awesome.  Shua also has some new friends that he loves to play with.  I really have to thank the Adams’ for helping me getting Shua in the house and distracted so I could sneak out.  It really was a team effort by everyone to make the first week go smoothly.

Part of my exhaustion was from my radiation simulation that happened on Tuesday.  I had to leave early on my second day.  The radiation department has been great with giving me late appointments; however the simulation needed to be done earlier in the day when all the doctors and scientists were all there.  This was by far one of the hardest things to do post-surgery.  I had to lie on this table (propped up a little bit) with my head turned to my right. I had to have my left hand over my head.  They had to tape my arm to the table and my hand to my head. I could not physically keep my arm where it needed to be.  I had to stay in this position for 15 minutes without moving.  I was lying on this bag filled with goop.  The goop hardened and made a mold of my body.  I will lie in this mold each day for my radiation treatment.  The bag changing was actually really cool.  The position I was lying in was not.  I then got to get up and walk around the room for a few minutes. I then returned to the mold in the same position.  My arm was taped down once again.  I had to stay there for at least 30 minutes.  During this stage I was marked.  The front of my body looked like I gave Shua a black sharpie and let him draw on me and then I let him attempt to clean it with an alcohol wipe.  Needless to say, I looked like a mess.  I was so sore afterwards and in so much pain that I took advantage of the free massage.  Yes, I let some strange person massage me which tells you the level of pain and discomfort I was in.  After the appointment the real fun was just beginning.  Adele brought Elisheva and Shua to the hospital and we headed home to get Ruthie off the bus.

After a short but exhausting week I came home on Friday to see the playroom totally cleaned up and vacuumed.  It was unbelievable.  See below.  

 Of course it lasted all of .....three minutes.....see below:

All in all the week went well and I am so glad to be back to work. The students were pleasant and welcoming.  They really learned a lot while I was out.  This next week will be a tougher week. I have five days of work with radiation on four of those days. 

Family Tradition, Same Chair, Different Kid

Family Tradition/Same Chair/Different Kid

Just as I was getting my stride back I hit a short set back.  A stomach bug invaded our house and stayed for a little while.  Everyone got it.  First, Shua was so kind to show signs.  Then Elisheva was next in line to have the bug.  She went through three sheets and two pairs of pj’s in the middle of the night.  I had a fun time shortly after Elisheva started in the middle of the night.  Ruthie was so good in the middle of the night when we had to turn on the light.  She was even ready to head to school a little sleepy but then got the bug instead.  Stephen was feeling pretty lucky and even had some of his Carvel ice cream cake on Friday.   The rest of us really couldn’t think about food.  I knew sooner or later it would catch up to him.  Sure enough a few hours before midnight on NYE, he comes up stairs and is sick.  He says “I think I got the bug or food poisoning….I ate some vegetables.”

Anyways, we are all well now and everyone is ready to return to work/school/JoJo’s tomorrow.  Yep, all of us!  Shua has not been to JoJo’s in a very long time. He is a totally different boy compared to last June.  I do hope he is not too much of a handful and he doesn’t teach Matthew any of his naughty tricks.  I know that Shua will be so excited to chase Quentin around and probably bother him to no end like he does to his sisters. I am really looking forward to returning to work.  Of course I am nervous.  My desk is not set up and I do not know the students at all. Well, I know one of them and she better be on her best behavior! I have nothing copied and hope I can figure out the new copy machines.  Everyone has already been there for a few months and is in a routine, so of course that makes me feel anxious.  A smart friend said “I would be worried if you are not nervous, but don’t worry everything will work out ok.”

I took the van out today and went on the highway. I feel confident to drive to Rockaway tomorrow.  It might take us a little longer but we will get there. It does take me more time to get in and out of the van/car. 

It is a New Year.  It is January. The next stage of my journey (radiation) will start very shortly. It is my time to return to work.  Bring on the craziness!