Words

Words:

After my first treatment I ended up in the hospital with a fever.  I approached my second treatment differently by trying to avoid people and sticking to my house. I wanted to avoid germs and make it through Round 2.  I had a lot of time sitting around with my computer.  I started playing this game.  They give you six letters and you have to make as many words as possible.  There is one special word highlighted. If you guess that word you move onto the next round.  Of course it is timed.  I had to find something to help keep my mind working.  Words are interesting. Lately, I have had a whole new list of words that are now part of my vocabulary.

Happy words:  survivor, hope, friends, faith, winner, pink, warrior, fight, Ma-ma (from Shua’s mouth),

Then there are the new words that can be somewhat scary.

Scary words: Cancer, chest port, Chemotherapy, neutropenia, side effects, surgery, bi-lateral mastectomy, drains, radiation, hospital, ct scan, mri (with contrast---IV needed),

Some words are little but have such big meaning.  “You can do it.”  I hear that phrase a lot.  I hear it from family members near and far, from friends old and new, and from myself.  Thank you to all the people that send encouraging messages, emails, phone calls, and cards. It might seem like a small action on your part but it really does help me get through the tough times.  Sometimes when I tell someone what I am going through and I explain that I have eight rounds or Chemotherapy, surgery, and then radiation, I often get a “sigh…wow, that is a lot.” It is a lot and a long journey.  I can’t look at the situation in the long term. I have to look at the situation in the “here and now.”  I take it one day at a time and one week at a time.  When I get bummed or start to panic I find myself saying (sometimes out loud) “I can do this!”

So Round 3 here I come.  I conquered Round 2 and am armed (with a Friends DVD) with the support of my family and friends and those small words “I can do this” to take on Round 3.

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much---Helen Keller

Sleep

Sleep:

Anyone that knows me knows that I live for my Shabbos nap.  My weeks are packed and I go, go, go all week long.  However, I do it all knowing that come Shabbos, I will hopefully get a little nap.  Yes, Stephen does not refer to them as “naps” but more like “sleep” since sometimes they can last a long time.  I know that I have a unique sleeping ability.  It is in the Bader genes.  My father is amazing at napping.  In fact the other day when he disappeared the girls said “grandpa is taking his nap” like it was a normal occurrence.

Since diagnosis, sleep has not been my friend.  The first few days, I didn’t sleep at night. I hated going near my bedroom.  I would honestly try and sleep. I would just lay there and toss and turn.  Eventually, I would get up and pace around.  I would go downstairs and sometimes watch bad tv or work on a puzzle.  One night I think I read an entire book and still sleep did not come to me.  I started taking something to help me sleep.  Yes, I would close my eyes and “sleep” but it was still not restful and my eyes felt heavy in the morning.

Once I started Chemotherapy, things started to change for me.  I noticed that I get tired so easily.  I used to run four miles on my treadmill at least three times a week.  Now….I can barely make it up the stairs before I need to sit down and rest.  What have I become? When people ask "how are you feeling?"  I usually say tired but it is a different kind of tired.  It is more of a body fatigue than a tired that a nap would help. Most nights I can fall asleep without the help of medicine. I am not a real big fan of taking medicine unless I have to.  So I try to sleep on my own.  The only problem is once I wake up, I am then up for the day.  The other day Elisheva woke up at 4:00am and proceeded to wake the other children.  That was it for me. I couldn’t get back to sleep even though Stephen got up to deal with the children.  I tried to nap and was almost into the zone when the phone rang and then lawn people came to do their thing.  I miss those days when the alarm would go off and I would turn it off and fall right back asleep.  I miss the days that at any point in the day I could climb into bed and be out in seconds and still have no problems sleeping at night.  For now I will take sleep whenever I get it, and hopefully when all of this is over I’ll go back to my sleeping ways.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book –Irish Proverb

No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.—Carrie Snow

Lint Roller

Lint roller:

I know it is time for another blog post when my father asks me “have you written anything for your blog?”  So happy he is reading it.  This one will be short but hopefully will make you laugh.  As we all know laughter is the best medicine.

Everyone has a lint roller.  How many of us use it on a regular basis?  I got my hair shaved really short last week. I found myself going crazy on Saturday and Sunday pulling hairs off my shoulders.  It is unreal how much hair was falling out and really grossing me out.  I told Stephen that I just wanted it all to fall out so I can stop de-hairing myself.  I grabbed the masking tape on my way up the stairs to try and grab some of the loose hairs before bed.  The masking tape would take me forever and was not so comfortable for my head.  Then I had the great idea of a lint roller.  Wow! I am a total genius.  I lint rolled my head.  It worked wonderfully.  I went through about 10 sheets before I decided to save some for tomorrow morning.  When Stephen came upstairs, I said “I lint rolled my head.  I wanted to get all the loose hairs off.” I was hoping to avoid my pillow becoming a chiapet.  He looked at me, smiled, laughed and said “definitely more patchy.”  At least we can still laugh about things.  I do hope the sight of me lint rolling my head made you smile and chuckle.

A day without laughter is a day wasted---Charlie Chaplin

Hair

Hair:

          We all knew that it was inevitable that my hair was going to fall out.  We knew that it was not going to be immediate and would happen 10-14 days after the first Chemo treatment.  The nurses said that usually after your second treatment your head gets tingling and then it starts to fall out.

          Well, I had my second treatment. I did have some tingling of the head but just kept ignoring the signs.  I am not one that truly cares about her hair. I usually brush it and throw on a hat. I don’t style it, dye it, curl it, or do funky things to it. It is just not my style.  So I guess I find this whole hair falling out situation ironic.

          Yesterday was truly a great day.  I did not have a headache after treatment. I was able to eat and hang out.  I was able to leave the house for a little bit.  However, the day before, I noticed that when I brushed my head, more than usual amounts of hair came out.  Yesterday whenever my hand got close to my head, there were lots of hairs falling out.

          Last night I sat on the couch for a half hour trying to watch a funny show.  Instead I ended up crying as I pulled clumps of hair off my head.  Can’t really explain why it made me so sad. I knew it was going to happen, I knew it was time.  It just really brought tears to my eyes.  I just compulsively pulled my hair out….tied it in knots and added it to the pile. 

          Last night with tears in my eyes, I texted my Aunt to see when she could come over and give me a good shaving J  We were going to do it on Friday, but  I just couldn’t see myself pulling out hair for the next two days.  So with a little help from my friend who is a few steps ahead of me on this journey, and some wise words from a young boy who lost his hair and regained it “hair is so unimportant in the big scheme of things”—Lenn when did you get so smart?, some late night hand holding from Stephen (in between the needed tissues), and some texts from friends, we have set the date for Wednesday to shave the head and move past this stage.

          My aunt came and she did what needed to be done.  Ruthie and Elisheva took some turns cutting some of my hair.  They were fascinated and were accepting of the job that needed to be done.  I got comments of “cute ears and nice shape head.” Of course we took some pictures through the different phases.  Some might get posted and others will not.   Am I happy with the outcome?  I am not a fan of no hair/short hair but it is part of the getting better.   Please don’t ask to see my hair.  If I have a hat on or a bandana on, then that is how I want you to see me.  In the end I still have more hair than Stephen :)

“Hair is very unimportant in the scheme of things.”  Lenn Brown

Food

What an amazing community that we live in.  Ever since diagnosis there has been yummy food on our table. There are so many people that are willing to help us out at this time.  It is so great to not have to worry about what to feed Stephen.  Especially on a day like today when I can’t imagine cooking or being near the kitchen.  After treatment, the thought of food, the smell of food and the taste of food is not appealing in any way.  I did have to eat something so I could take my antibiotic.  I went with the basic soup option.

So thank you very much for all of the support the community has provided.  The meals have been great, the children helping out with the girls have been very helpful.  The playdates have been really enjoyed by the girls. The constant contact by the rabbi has made me feel super special. Thank you for all the visitors that check up and make sure I am doing well.  I have met so many new people who are all wonderful community members that have really helped out.  Who would have thought that getting cancer would help me be not so anti-social?

Sorry that this is short but just don’t the brain power for a long blog entry.  I apologize for not having any fancy pictures or videos this time around.  Hopefully, I will be more functioning for the next entry.

Thanks for all the yummmmmmmy food!!!